Day 358

It’s been an interesting day!

Last night, my anxiety had one of those moments where it decides that just sitting and watching TV is too much and my heart goes into hammer mode. Now it doesn’t freak me out TOO much because i know it’s happened before, but it’s frustrating when it will NOT go away and after a while my chest hurts, it probably winds me up to the point where i can’t relax…

It even meant i kept turning my tv on when i went to bed in order to distract myself from it…because every time i tried to sleep i could just hear “THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP” haha i got to sleep in the end though thank goodness..though it kinda carried over to this morning a bit..annoying..

But at about 12 noon today i went to Charlie’s and we watched tennis! She went down to Wimbledon the other day and saw Andy Murray play for a little while..she brought me back a really cute little wimbledon badge :D!! It was just Charlie and me in the house which was nice :) and a good thing for me i think, my dad called at about half 3 to see if i was coming back and i said sure, then he was like “do you wanna walk back?” because he thought it would do me good so Charlie and me walked back to mine :)

I think last night considered it all went great!! I had the odd uncomfortable moments but nothing i couldn’t deal with :)

It’s worn me out though, adreneline and such, i’ll sleep tonight i think!

Putting some things on my ipod…how come..when you wrap up headphones all lovely and tightly, they still manage to get into loads of knots when you take it out of your bag again…

I think the minimum day i could ring the mental health people from the doctors was today, except i had it in my head all morning it was tomorrow..then realised it was today xD but they never work very quickly xD so i think i’ll ring them up tomorrow and see how that goes!! :) I’ll let you know of course ;)

Farewell x

Day 184

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO CHARLIE!! :) [One of my friends…of course…she’s probably been mentioned a fair few times…don’t worry Charl (if you ever read this) nothing bad at all ;)]

Sorry that my posts all look so boring, i’ve been in my dads office for a lot of it..don’t have my laptop camera…haha xD

I looked at the calendar where my dad had transfered dates over like birthdays and things which he does each time we get a new calendar..he puts the age of people next to them aswell…and well…as he knows i have a bit of a celeb obsession with one Orlando Bloom [tehe..come on..he’s lovely xD <3] his birthday is..tomorrow [friday the 13th…uh…] and my dad went and put (93) under his name…i was like “oh dad..you’re hilarious”. He came down and i told him i liked the estimated age he added on and he was like “…was i close?” haha!! 35 for those who are interested…xD

ANYWAY. I’m in a rather jolly mood, because i’m half an hour into my dad being over at HQ whilst i’m in his office like yesterday, and i feel SO much more comfortable than yesterday. Yesterday i was holding off panics for the whole time..eew. And..even though my dad has either..not text me to tell me which part of the building he is in..or my phone signal is awful..i’m finding that…i can force myself not to dwell on it..because it’s okay..and so am i….

Ah..speak of it..he just text me haha!!!

Some small successes of the day for me :D

• Basically surviving my lectures..i had a couple of off moments in them..but all turned out okay in the end :)
• Usually my dad and i leave Uni during my gaps between lectures..but it was only an hour today so we stayed and i had lunch with him and then i went back to my friends a bit earlier..so it was nice to experience that. To be fair, it’s not that…i don’t want to stay with my friends..because i would..it’s that i don’t want to just leave my dad sitting around, because if i leave and come with him, at least he can do what he wants and i feel less bad about making him wait, but today since we were staying anyway and there wasn’t long left :) It was all good!
• This isn’t anxiety related but..got some coursework back with a mark 55/60 woot woot! i thought it would have been much worse than that!!
• My dad said he was going to get the car and bring it round to meet me after my last lecture so we could leave quickly. Well we actually had a really quick lecture and i ended up leaving as he was telling me he was going to get it from the other side of campus. I thought i might just be able to meet him, but when i got there i sort of realised it would be a wasted effort to try and follow..as by the time i got to the car he’d be where i was waiting. I knew i could only wait and i said bye to Sam as she was going home, and i had this strange reminder of a huge panic attack i had last February, when my friends got picked up from a meal out and i was waiting alone for my dad..i knew he wouldn’t be long and thought i’d be okay, but it was one of those moments where people leave and you immediately regret it…i had to phone my friends who had just left and make them talk to me whilst i was waiting, luckily they told me they saw my dad driving so he was there quick…but i just had the same sort of…deja vu feeling, but despite that..i knew the situation was completely different and i could distract myself long enough. I was in Uni with lots of people, not at a bus stop a bit out of the way…before i could even get worried he appeared anyway so :) But i think in a way, feeling the improvement in my thought process was a success for me!!
• Also!! Had a strange moment in my last lecture where i was thinking and i became like..really aware of my heartbeat, which usually happens in a panic, so i sort of worried a bit then i was like “you only have 15 minutes left..you can just…not think about it..there’s no point in getting yourself worked up because you know it’s nothing…” and i actually managed to distract myself from it fairly easily..quite odd but..good :D
• Oh yes!! And later,goodness knows how long for but i’m going out to the pub again tonight for Charlie’s birthday!! I know it seems like it’s all i ever do..but of course the more you do it..the more confident you will get about it :) and it’s still a push for me, it’s still not easy..so yey :) this will be the…5th time i think since i started doing it again :) woop!!

Just some small things that i’m happy about today!! Haha!!

Woah honestly my stomach just made THE strangest noise….o.O Possibly hungry….haha!!

Farewell x

Day 155

Woo :) I’ve had a really nice day today!! Finally a day off Uni where my dad hardly has any meetings and things. The first thing he had was kinda early but only short and i waited in the car and listened to the radio, which was great, christmas songs galore :D

Then he had another meeting and i stayed home with my Nan :D Which was great i felt fine and it was good to catch up with my Nan, she brought christmas presents and Charlie came round for a bit too after her lectures to say hi to us and hand prezzies to my Nan :) Fun times!!

Then i just chilled out and helped my nan a bit and munched on some food and we watched the film “Great Expectations” from like 1946 haha!! I mean it was on TV in the background but woo :)

OH! Oh my…my dad says he’s ordered a wireless router!! Which means hopefully i’ll FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY have wireless internet to my laptop, meaning i wont be stuck in my room just to use the internet!! I’ll be able to go all over the house :D I hope it works because we’ve tried in the past and it just wouldn’t work and connect and things…pfft :P

I’ve just been given the Santa hat to go with my Santa outfit…literally wearing it right now, very excited..i think i’ll dress up as Santa on Christmas day…honestly…i’m not sure what’s happened this year but i’ve been so excited about events!! Halloween and now Christmas…i’ll be taking photos of everything all day :D

I’m wearing my bracelet from yesterday :) i loves it :D

My dad finally wrote out the [may i say..HUGE] list of people he wants me to write christmas cards for. So, that will be fun…shutting all those envelopes my tongue will be raw! xD

Anyway, back later probably :)

Farewell x

Day 137

*Phew* Woah, well, did i have a rather busy trip to Chester with the father today, it was OH so busy!! At one point i ran up some stairs to a higher level of shops simple to avoid being trampled by the swarms of people!! Some of it was a little bit awkward, i felt a bit limited as to what i usually do when it comes to walking around places, everything with a bit cramped and uncomfortable. But..i still did it :D

So i trecked up the street, and realised why it was so busy…CHRISTMAS MARKET! :D okay, it’s nothing spectacular…but it was super cute, all little huts selling various little gifts and food with little snowy rooftops…although it was quite warm today, though it was WINDY wow! Which added to the madness somehow…

So, i got to the christmas market and i was a bit cautious diving into the big crowds, especially as i’d walked up further than i have before, but i walked into the crowds a bit to see what was in each of the little huts, i didn’t see all of them because it went quite far away, but after coming back the first time i went back up twice more which i was happy about…the first time it was an extention of going into the sweet shop and getting my dad some sweetie things that he ALWAYS gets from there, so much so that i bought them and the buy behind the till actually went “i should have known you’d get these you always do” hahah!! i was like “yep it’s my dad sending me up for them!” he was like “that’s fine!” :P to be fair i love going in that shop because it’s SO cute and tiny and the people working there are always really nice, i think i remember the first time i saw that guy behind the till and i was thinking “aww he’s so nice it’s lovely when people working are happy and showing it!” :) And also, the second time i went back..i got this…

REINDEER HAT :D i’m going to pretend they were handing them out, but…you actually had to ask for one….haha!! What? I wanted a record of my successes, and plus, i was actually getting anxious at the embarassment of asking, but then i was like “you know what stuff it everyones havin’ one..live a bit!” xD

My dad had ANOTHER puncture! That’s not right! We had the car serviced last Wednesday, then on Tuesday, one tyre went flat, he put the spare on [in my university car park haha] got the flat one fixed, before he’d even had chance to put the proper tired back on, the OTHER tyre was low, so he pumped it up at a garage, drove into town, we came back to the car and it was completely flat! So..we had to put the fixed tyre from tuesday, on the other side! :/ That tyre is getting fixed for tomorrow for us! Deary me! xD

Wow, i’m really tired, but i’ve just got a tiny bit of my coursework due in this week to do, so i’m going to finish that whilst watching the TV :D fun times!!

OH!! Almost forgot to mention! We had a good success last night, my dad said he had some meeting at 7.30pm and i even brought it up! I was like “i could maybe go Charlie’s or something” thought would be nice to see Charlie too..she’s currently injured :P thought i’d keep her company whilst she hobbles about :P I told my dad it was a big thing because i’d only really been at Charlie’s whilst he was at home, and then he was like “ohh well this is good then!” and it was for like 2 hours! :) He wasn’t far, but about 5 minutes, and further than home. So :) Good step for me :) i had a really fun time! We watched “Simon’s Cat” on youtube [if you’ve not seen it, watch it..especially if you have a cat, it’s so cute and good to relate to ;)] and we also watched a DVD Charlie got with her Michael Buble CD :D which was great :) fun times!!

Farewell x

Day 26

Look what Charlie brought me back from Scotland! :D

It’s a little Scottish bear statue :D So cute! i love it! There was a stick of rock too! PINK! And white :) Nom nom! Went to visit her on the way back from shopping, which i was extremely happy we did because i’d been feeling poo but it was nice to talk to her :) Especially about Harry Potter and things, and possible plans for results day depending on what we’re doing. I ate the left over paster from tea last night [whilst watching Goblet of Fire] for my lunch-ish [it was like 5pm] when i got home from shopping and charlie’s today. That was nice, now i’m watching ‘The Secret Garden’ it’s weird, i’ve not seen it in years but i remember it now that i watch it! :)

Farewell x

Day 15

Well, apart from yesterdays disaster, which my eyes are still recovering from, ouch….i feel accomplished! Had our late fathers day on sunday and i’ve sent off my german penpal letter :D As well as a birthday card for my uncle :D This morning went downstairs to find the fridge is slowly dying, the top of it had gone all warm as i accused my dad of not putting the butter away until this morning [it’s happened before] but he was like “it’s been in the fridge all night?” i was like “..then the fridge isn’t working..” haha! Anyway, that’s pointless, why would you want to know that! Hopefully Charlie may come for a visit later :) she’s in between holidays so i’m grabbing hold of her! xD

OH EM GEE, i’ve just seen the advert for the 50 greatest Harry Potter moment which is on later! I’ve got a feeling this lucky blog may get a post about that as it happens!! I’ve got it recorded too i’m that sad, but i’m so excited to see what they mean by great..though i suppose they’ll only have up to the 2nd to last film :( but that’s good too! i bet half the greatest moments would be in the final film anyway, so maybe it’s best they kept it out haha.

Anyway, i just have to say, i am really proud of my brain. My dreams were just crazy last night.

• Firstly, my brain is making things a bit difficult for me. you know when you think it’s best not to be reminded of something and then you have a dream about it. Which i don’t mind one bit, then i wake up and it’s like oh yeah great. Anyway.
• I’m pretty sure at some point there was a big harry potter thing going on in one of my dreams [woke up a couple of times i think] and then everyone had to go into the hall for some reason if they were in a certain house or in the dining room [what?] or the dungeons if they were in other houses, because something was happening. Then at one point there was like a slide-show of people who’d died as a sort of memorial thing. And Fred came up and Ron and George were sitting at the back and George was crying [at which point i’m very glad it was a dream because the acting behind this crying was pretty terrible but it was still quite sad :P]
• I think at one point the rest of JLS turned around to Marvin and said he was having a baby. At which point i thought they were joking because he can’t get pregnant, but turned out they were telling him for like..his wife or something and then the rest of the guys were like ‘okay we’ve like not seen him for a year’ cos he was all baby this baby that HAHA!!! Random!

Finally, and this is something i am particularly proud of my brain for..

• i was in the pub with my friends, except i think the pub was in the cemetery in my area, weird? And then we were outside and we went inside and i went to sit in a big chair and at the same time i think Loz passed an exam or something? She got results for it whilst sitting there somehow. And i suddenly went “How did i get here?” and my friends were like “i don’t know..” and i was like “because..i wasn’t coming to this i don’t remember changing my mind and deciding to come here how did i get here?” i’m very proud because as much as i thought, no way i’m not STILL in bed i went to Tash or someone “oh you know what, i bet this is a dream….” and i rang my dad up and said like “where do you think i am?” or something and he said somewhere i’ve never heard of…but that somehow confirmed it so i was like..right then, not staying here if it’s not even real and woke myself up xD How crazy is that?!

Quite a terrible picture, but i good one is impossible this morning as my eyes are so puffed up from yesterday! haha. Oh and yesterday, i discovered Cleverbot, it’s hilarious.

Farewell x