Day 421

Okay! Quick post today, and a strange pic because..honestly it’s the end of the night and i look a bit rubbish but who cares :D

This is an exclusive…first picture of my as a 20 year old hahahah!! Woo!! Today, albeit a very quiet birthday…has been totally lovely!!

I saw Sam then Kate then Emma then Loz then Charlie and my Nan was round for most of the day too! :)!

I was meant to see Tash because it’s her birthday too but we’ll catch up with eachother! Everyone is out with her this evening. That’s the funny thing with having the same birthday and most of the same friends!! Hehe :)

However Charlie is seeing Tash tomorrow when they go off into Liverpool with everyone so tonight Charlie and her Mum came around to watch The Hunger Games with my dad and me :)!

My dad’s been reading the book and he really wanted to see it, Charlie was the only one who had seen it before and she was excited to see it again so woohoo!!

Lovely lovely!!

Farewell x

Day 420

Wow the start of my last day of teen-ness :O my friend is getting me a customised zimmer frame for my birthday hahahaha!!

Ugh my posts look so boring, my webcam keeps maxing out…

My iPod died :( it’s lasted such a long time so it’s done well for itself, and my dad is happy because he can get me a new one for my birthday..i’m terrible to buy for i never know what i want because i don’t like asking for things because i never feel like i need anything hhaha xD and if i want things i’ll either get it myself or be really awkward asking my dad it’s mad xD

My dad is equally awkward to buy for so… xD

I’m going through a funny phase with food again just because i’ve been feeling a bit iffy…it just means i can’t shovel down my food as much as i want…i eat a good amount..i make sure of it since i lost so much weight last time [put it back on though! haha as long as i feel good though i’m happy…] but it takes me ages to eat a meal i have to feel relaxed and things and sometimes i eat something in 2 sittings xD

It usually eases off after a little while..but at this time eating out is just horrible:

-i know my eating is awkward

-i don’t feel relaxed enough to eat

-i eat anyway then feel like i’m making myself feel ill because i don’t feel hungry

-i feel even worse because i get anxious about feeling ill

-i know i’m hungry so i try and make myself eat but meh

-there’s people around me and i feel like they’re waiting for me or noticing how much i eat

Meh…i don’t know…i ate a fair bit but not enough to count as a good dinner, so i had some more food when i got home to make up for it :) It was very awkward though… :P but i don’t think anyone noticed, plus i was quite good at making it look like there was less there than there was xD!!

But as i say i’m fully aware of these things, i’m not..not eating because i don’t want to it’s just because of how i feel at the time…i bloody love food i hate not feeling hungry, so i do make sure i eat enough :)!!

BUT

Today was also good, because yesterday i felt a bit rubbish and i was thinking “i know a lot of it is because i sit around just thinking about how i feel…if i just do things and distract myself without it being too much..i might be okay”

So, today i got up and we went to B&Q [obviously…second home at the moment..] and i made myself get involved in what my dad was buying so i was distracted, then i got changed into old clothes and went out and painted a load of fence posts with my dad before Caitlin came round to say hey before she goes back to Uni and then we went out :) and i actually felt pretty good when i was outside as long as i didn’t make my body do too much and i stopped for lunch at a good time and things :) it was good!!

Present for you :)

This anxiety related blog i follow on tumblr posted a poem and i thought it looked familiar..I HAVE IT IN SONG…by John Barrowman of course! It’s lovely :)

If – John Barrowman

Farewell x

Day 400

Day 400..neat ;)

So, I’ve been growing my nails and as a fitting tribute to the fact that it would be my Mum’s birthday today, i have succeeded in painting my lovely long nails a sexy red.

That seems a kind of weird tribute if you didn’t know her, but in all honestly it’s one of the things that sticks in my mind the most when i remember her, she had very gorgeous, very red nails!! I’m apparently morphing into her as it is, so i thought i’d add to the effect :D!!

I’ve made an awful mess..i was too lazy to get a table and now my leg is covered in nail varnish from where i’ve been leaning hahah!!

I think i wrote some kind of huge letter to my mum this time last year, i’m sure it was very dull and boring but it was nice for me xD In a strange way…

I’ll write properly soon about stuff that’s been going on, i’m alright i’ve just been feeling a bit crappy for a few days so i’ve not really felt up to writing huge blog posts or anything xD i shall try and amend that!

But for now…i leave you with Freddie Mercury and the crowd at Wembley stadium

I hope you recognise it from the Olympic Closing Ceremony which was Sunday night, this part was the complete highlight for me i LOVE Freddie Mercury and it just made me sob that all these years later and he can still get a crowd going!!

Freddie Mercury Vs. Crowd

Farewell x

Day 184

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO CHARLIE!! :) [One of my friends…of course…she’s probably been mentioned a fair few times…don’t worry Charl (if you ever read this) nothing bad at all ;)]

Sorry that my posts all look so boring, i’ve been in my dads office for a lot of it..don’t have my laptop camera…haha xD

I looked at the calendar where my dad had transfered dates over like birthdays and things which he does each time we get a new calendar..he puts the age of people next to them aswell…and well…as he knows i have a bit of a celeb obsession with one Orlando Bloom [tehe..come on..he’s lovely xD <3] his birthday is..tomorrow [friday the 13th…uh…] and my dad went and put (93) under his name…i was like “oh dad..you’re hilarious”. He came down and i told him i liked the estimated age he added on and he was like “…was i close?” haha!! 35 for those who are interested…xD

ANYWAY. I’m in a rather jolly mood, because i’m half an hour into my dad being over at HQ whilst i’m in his office like yesterday, and i feel SO much more comfortable than yesterday. Yesterday i was holding off panics for the whole time..eew. And..even though my dad has either..not text me to tell me which part of the building he is in..or my phone signal is awful..i’m finding that…i can force myself not to dwell on it..because it’s okay..and so am i….

Ah..speak of it..he just text me haha!!!

Some small successes of the day for me :D

• Basically surviving my lectures..i had a couple of off moments in them..but all turned out okay in the end :)
• Usually my dad and i leave Uni during my gaps between lectures..but it was only an hour today so we stayed and i had lunch with him and then i went back to my friends a bit earlier..so it was nice to experience that. To be fair, it’s not that…i don’t want to stay with my friends..because i would..it’s that i don’t want to just leave my dad sitting around, because if i leave and come with him, at least he can do what he wants and i feel less bad about making him wait, but today since we were staying anyway and there wasn’t long left :) It was all good!
• This isn’t anxiety related but..got some coursework back with a mark 55/60 woot woot! i thought it would have been much worse than that!!
• My dad said he was going to get the car and bring it round to meet me after my last lecture so we could leave quickly. Well we actually had a really quick lecture and i ended up leaving as he was telling me he was going to get it from the other side of campus. I thought i might just be able to meet him, but when i got there i sort of realised it would be a wasted effort to try and follow..as by the time i got to the car he’d be where i was waiting. I knew i could only wait and i said bye to Sam as she was going home, and i had this strange reminder of a huge panic attack i had last February, when my friends got picked up from a meal out and i was waiting alone for my dad..i knew he wouldn’t be long and thought i’d be okay, but it was one of those moments where people leave and you immediately regret it…i had to phone my friends who had just left and make them talk to me whilst i was waiting, luckily they told me they saw my dad driving so he was there quick…but i just had the same sort of…deja vu feeling, but despite that..i knew the situation was completely different and i could distract myself long enough. I was in Uni with lots of people, not at a bus stop a bit out of the way…before i could even get worried he appeared anyway so :) But i think in a way, feeling the improvement in my thought process was a success for me!!
• Also!! Had a strange moment in my last lecture where i was thinking and i became like..really aware of my heartbeat, which usually happens in a panic, so i sort of worried a bit then i was like “you only have 15 minutes left..you can just…not think about it..there’s no point in getting yourself worked up because you know it’s nothing…” and i actually managed to distract myself from it fairly easily..quite odd but..good :D
• Oh yes!! And later,goodness knows how long for but i’m going out to the pub again tonight for Charlie’s birthday!! I know it seems like it’s all i ever do..but of course the more you do it..the more confident you will get about it :) and it’s still a push for me, it’s still not easy..so yey :) this will be the…5th time i think since i started doing it again :) woop!!

Just some small things that i’m happy about today!! Haha!!

Woah honestly my stomach just made THE strangest noise….o.O Possibly hungry….haha!!

Farewell x

Day 116

Hey Howdy Hey! :)

I went to the theatre again yesterday to see “Animal Farm”. Don’t worry, i know i sound all posh and ooooo lala, [technically term] going to the theatre all the time, haha!! But it just happens to be a spout where we keep finding fairly cheap tickets to interesting shows :) It was good, i enjoyed it! The weather was miserable, but i don’t know why that’s important because clearly the play wasn’t outside in the rain! xD

It’s bonfire night tonight! My dad and me have decided to go sneak a look at the fireworks display at a local racecourse later on, which should be good, i’ve not seen fireworks properly in ages, it always rains when a display is scheduled :( so it always gets cancelled…

Now i’m just catching up on some TV that i’ve recorded and missed due to being out, like at the pub and theatre and things xD Worth it much.

I wish to tell you about what i think was a rather successful day today :)

• into Chester yet again with my dad. Now, last week i got quite far and went up to a calendar shop, i had an idea about where i *could* have gone today, but you know how it goes..you visualist the place and it turns out it’s much further in reality than you remember xD But it was okay, i made a comprimise and went further than before, but not as far as i was thinking, and i went into Boots and had a nosey around. :)
• Also, in chester i quite happily went up to the sweet shop that was causing me a bit of angst the other way, and got some more sweeties for my dad that he asked me to get haha!
• I also went back down in a different direction, and it turned out there was some guys who made it through to the live finals of “Britains Got Talent”  a couple of years ago, performing there..they were hilarious. For any who don’t know..Britains Got Talent erm..sort of speaks for itself, it’s a bit talent show where they get judged by Simon Cowell and some people xD and the winner gets to go to the Royal Variety Show, which is held in front of the Queen or some member of the Royal family each year :) Here they are CLICK ME :)
• I actually went back to watch them a second time, because i’d missed the start of the show and they were repeating themselves, and then this security guy came over whilst they were half way through the routine, and you sort of just saw him talk to the guys, and then point in the opposite direction from which we were all facing. And it was totally hilarious, to see a whole crowd of people who had been watching them all turn around simultaniously, and all realise that there’s a parade of dancers coming towards us from the top of the street…and everyone was sort of like “ohhh……” hahaha! At which point i did get a little bit nervous because it was crowded anyway and i didn’t want to be squished between people so i just sort of darted in the opposite directed asap xD

Overall, progress is being made slowly i think. I know these things don’t seem that big, but it is, in the end, things i’m doing myself, like i’m not with people i know or friends, so it makes sense that what i’m doing is smaller. But it’s all confidence building :) Also, i had quite a successful time after i got home :)

• Went to post a letter again today, which i’ve kinda gotten into the routine of doing for my dad now haha, it just gives me something to feel like i’m achieving, because its never TOTALLY easy, and sometimes there are challenges, like last time, i crossed a silent road to the post box, and as i turned back, about 20 cars decided to show up!! Which when i’d started posting a letter would have been my worst nightmare!! But i was good with it..anyway, today was quiet, and i’d said to my dad the other week that rather than walking back the way i came, i keep thinking about going around the outside of the houses and back home again, it’s not ….a LOT longer, but going back the way i came is…a bit nicer for me because it is a little bit quicker and plus i can see my house much sooner and then i can relax a bit, and plus there are all other houses that can see me. Anyway he said at the time it was “a good target” so today i kinda just did it without thinking. Well..of course i thought..but i thought …if i think about this too much i’ll never do it. So i just sorta ran in that direction. The main problem with this way, is that it does get to a point where you’re half way, and it’s like…it’s just me….between an empty road and a very tall bush, nobody can see me if i needed them to, and i’m at such a point now where i might as well go forward, because going back is no better, so however bad you feel you HAVE to go forward. So i was a bit nervous and it did get to a point where i just wished i could walk faster haha! but i felt good after it :D!!! [Oops sorry, that was a long bullet point]
• Also, one of my friends birthday today :) She lives not far from me, and if you can remember as far back as September 1st when i went to see another friend for her birthday and they live pretty much next to eachother. (See post here Day 51) So if you remember back then, 2 months ago, i was nervous about going, my dad was pretty much watching me go, i asked my friend to come and meet me before i got to her house and i did it with all of the hoohar. But i guess today, it was really really nice to see that progress has obviously been made, because i just went “dad..i’m gonna go see if Loz is in give her her present, back in a bit!” and just walked round there rang the bell, waited, saw her :) was there for about half an hour before i came home again. On the way home i had a really lovely feeling of ….i want to say familiarality..because i used to walk back and forth from that street almost constantly…and fact that i was walking back, by myself, so happily and “normally” it felt that way again. Which i was also thinking about when i walked the other way back from the post box, just these small things i used to do without thinking, i now really enjoy doing and remembering :)

Sorry this has been so long!! Well done, and thank you, if you made it this far without dropping off xD I finish in honour of Bonfire Night with this song for you all :)

Katy Perry – Firework

Also, i know it’s early and it’s a christmas song, but i’ve been getting into Michael Buble’s christmas album and this song makes me beyond happy!! [i say it’s early, i saw a shop today with LOADS of christmas decorations..i just thought..ohh dear…]

Michael Buble – Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

Farewell x

Day 55

Hey! Day 55 and it’s the 5th of september! 5 and 11 bein’ ma numbers, 5×11=55 :D And i’m 19 today, but that has nothing to do with anything.

I missed out yesterday because i was so busy being busy and preparing for my party and then having my party :D it was fantastic!!! i wont go into great detail, but it was a big gathering of people and eventually it was just tash, charlie, hayley and me and we went over to hayley’s and saw her cute tiny kittens it was awesome!!!!

Today is my actual birthday and i saw Charlie this morning she brought gifts :D and she went on Pottermore and shes in Gryffindor! WOO!

John Barrowman was on Daybreak this morning and he’s just been on QVC and he’s been tweeting all day, so he’s added a bit of sparkly happiness to the fact i spend most of the day following my dad around. I was saying to my dad by body’s done quite well it’s had some fairly busy sort of..not stressful bad but busy stressful days and i’ve survived them and done quite well, fairly tired and tiredness headaches becoming my friend though!!! I share my birthday today with Mr Freddie Mercury who would be 65 today and Google has got it DOWN! It’s ace!!

Wont go into too much detail about my birthday otherwise i’ll be typing for years, just here’s a picture of me looking happy to be 19, even though it seems really old and i just can’t get used to the fact that that’s my age yet!! xD

I got a postcard of my German penpal this morning! It was awesome!! I’m so happy we’re still in touch! I’d drafted a letter back to her whilst i was out, and then she messaged me on facebook in all lovely english, and i was like..oh dear..what language do i use..and i went for german in the end because it’s only fair!! But it was like, the immediate need to know and have good german, it was hard xD

Farewell x

Day 34

3 days until results. I’ve been reading up loads of Student Room stuff about UCAS, which i probably shouldn’t have done because i’m all tensey and nervous now, i’ll have to make an effort to chill out soon. In my dads office or i would take a photo of something interesting..actually..no i wouldn’t, should see the state of me. I really REALLY hope we’re home fairly early today so i can get my fringe cut, honestly, i don’t think i’ll be able to see my results at this rate. And it just gets to the stage where i have to split it all funny and things and it just really looks terrible. Haha, anyway, enough about my fringe.

3 weeks til i’m 19! AHHH so scary, 19 is so, not kid-ish anymore! Scary!

Farewell x