Day 176 (2)

Soooo i’m currentlyjazzing up a penpal letter replying to one i got today. I need to reply to my german penpal :D I got a Christmas Card from her!! Very exciting, though a reply to her takes a bit more effort, as..you know..i’m not completely fluent in german, but i enjoy writing back :D

So had some good anxiety stuff happening :D Yesterday, my dad had a meeting in the evening and i went to Charlies. The coolest part about it was…i thought about it and my mind sort of went “well..it’s something..i’ve not done anything in a while, even if i don’t really feel like it, i want to do it..i can just try it..if it goes wrong, i’ll deal with it later xD” which was nice. And it was fine :) And tomorrow i’m hopefully going to the pub again!! It’s actually really nice to have a normal organisation conversation about going out somewhere..it’s weird xD Best thing is it’s thursday tomorrow, so it wont be mad and loud like it usually is on fridays, the last 2 times we’ve been :D.

Farewell x

P.S 200 posts..wow xD

Day 120

I really love washing my hair in the morning, it goes all fluffy and sexy haha!! i hard get to do it these days because of Uni :( and it’s annoyin now that it’s getting darker because the clocks have changed and winter is coming!!! Because i like having showers in the day light! it just seems nicer and free and yey i’m all refreshed and lovely now! But now it’s like…as if the shower wasn’t enclosed enough, the dark makes it feel even smaller….but i’m used to having them at night i suppose so…it could be worse…i’m considering photographing my …we call it “shower room” because there’s not much more than a shower in it..you can’t fit much more in it…to show you how “great” it is…haha obviously i’ve never had anything different..but i look forward to the day the room gets done up if it ever does..i’d just like a more spacious shower xD

Bon Apetit! ….or whatever the phrase is..i don’t do french… german is my language..well it’s not..english is..but i did do german..i don’t think i could even tell you the same phrase in german xD haha. Gute Appität? Something like that? i have no idea…looks like 7 years of german was worth it..anyway..all that faf just for this pic…

Me eating, erm..can anyone else add to the many list of names i’ve heard it called? French Toast, Spanish Toast, Eggy Bread…you get the idea..tis very nice :D

Now i’m a little bit annoyed, i’ll keep this brief or i’ll rant. But i was browing twitter and there was this thing about “panic away” which is a technique by a dude who decided we can completely cure our anxiety with it in like a day or something. Anyway, it’s like a video introducing it..he goes on and on and on basically trying to reassure us what panic attacks can and cannot do, and saying “you probably feel like this..and this” to show us he’s been through it to. Anyway, he goes on for a really long time, and he never really explains anything [obviously he’s not just going to hand it to you] you hear examples of people who say how great and amazing it is blah blah blah.

Now i feel like i’m being really harsh about it, for the most part, it actually sounds fairly good, and i don’t doubt it’s helped loads of people. But you get to the end and its like..oh yeah by the way its like $129 …i don’t even know what that is in £’s probs like 100 or something, and obviously, i understand that if you’ve got a good idea about something you’re gonna “sell” it aren’t you. But for some reason, it really frustrates me…

Mostly because, he’s all “i’ve been through it, i know how difficult it can be etc. etc. etc.” which means he knows perfectly well that people can be desperate, they probs will pay loads of money for something that will help, now to be fair it says he gives a refund of everything if it doesn’t help, but i just find it a bit frustrating that someone who says they know how bad it is then they’re like “i’ll help people..but for loads of money”…Hmm i can’t really explain, obviously there’s good sides to it and things and it seems good and everything but..yeah.

Anyway, off out again :)

Farewell x

Day 55

Hey! Day 55 and it’s the 5th of september! 5 and 11 bein’ ma numbers, 5×11=55 :D And i’m 19 today, but that has nothing to do with anything.

I missed out yesterday because i was so busy being busy and preparing for my party and then having my party :D it was fantastic!!! i wont go into great detail, but it was a big gathering of people and eventually it was just tash, charlie, hayley and me and we went over to hayley’s and saw her cute tiny kittens it was awesome!!!!

Today is my actual birthday and i saw Charlie this morning she brought gifts :D and she went on Pottermore and shes in Gryffindor! WOO!

John Barrowman was on Daybreak this morning and he’s just been on QVC and he’s been tweeting all day, so he’s added a bit of sparkly happiness to the fact i spend most of the day following my dad around. I was saying to my dad by body’s done quite well it’s had some fairly busy sort of..not stressful bad but busy stressful days and i’ve survived them and done quite well, fairly tired and tiredness headaches becoming my friend though!!! I share my birthday today with Mr Freddie Mercury who would be 65 today and Google has got it DOWN! It’s ace!!

Wont go into too much detail about my birthday otherwise i’ll be typing for years, just here’s a picture of me looking happy to be 19, even though it seems really old and i just can’t get used to the fact that that’s my age yet!! xD

I got a postcard of my German penpal this morning! It was awesome!! I’m so happy we’re still in touch! I’d drafted a letter back to her whilst i was out, and then she messaged me on facebook in all lovely english, and i was like..oh dear..what language do i use..and i went for german in the end because it’s only fair!! But it was like, the immediate need to know and have good german, it was hard xD

Farewell x

Day 37

Results are in! :D Guess whose going to Chester University! Yipee!!! [Gawd please please PLEASE let my anxiety have eased off by then!!] Honestly everyones on about this feeling of relief but it’s like i wont be relieved until i know i’m comfortable enough to go to uni! haha, ahh well..take it as it comes :) Anyway…here they go!!

Maths – A –> Oh how i’m so happy!!! all i wanted was an A in maths i honestly think i could have failed everything else! haha okay, not true, i wouldn’t have wanted to do that but YES! I’m sooo happy! I didn’t want to disappoint with the subject that was going to be me life now and since i’m doing it at Uni, i think last years exams helped a lot but that’s okay! Because of course i did them too! xD When i saw Liverpool had excepted me too even though they were my insurance choice, i knew they wanted ABB with the A in maths and i was chuffed to pieces!!

German – B –> This is fabulous! I knew it was practically impossible to get an A especially having got a B in my AS exams last year, i would have been okay with a C but i did want a B really i suppose because i seemed to be consistant with them and i knew i could do it. I got a C in the exam and a B in the oral..how did that even happen? i spent most of the Oral having a panic attack and making up anything about the idea of using bread as an energy source!! HAHA!

Art – B –> This is lovely!! And i must be honest it was a bit strange, only because, i’ve been used to fairly easily getting high grades in art. Obviously i work hard and things, but it just seems to end up that way without TOO much effort. Not to make excuses, but i did spend the majority of the exam time at home doing pretty much the whole thing by myself and coming up with the ideas and things. The coursework, i also did a couple of fairly big pieces at home, and i never got to speak to the teacher about them, so i just sort of did them and hoped for the best haha! So it made sense that this time around i got C’s in my coursework and Exam, but my A’s from last year pushed it up to a B overall :) which is great, i would have been disappointed if i’d wanted to continue art to uni, but nope!!

(Random side now, why did i ever want to carry on with art? Okay, that’s being stupid, of course i loved art, but the more i think about doing maths the more exciting it seems and i don’t think i would have been as excited about art…these past 2 years have made every bit of difference to me, it’s changed the course of my life completely and i’m so happy!)

Further Maths (AS) – C –> This wasn’t cashed in but i added it up myself :) Ohhh..i’m chuffed here! I half expected to fail the thing completely haha, i’ll go into more detail about the actual maths exams in a mo :) But yeah awesome! The 2 i did in June add onto the 1 i did in January and i get a C overall! So, even though i don’t offically have the qualification until January, i still have all the knowledge to take to Uni with me!!

General Studies – U –> This makes perfect sense, as i didn’t sit the 2 exams for the A Level part, therefore getting a big fat zero for it, to add to my D from AS haha so that sort of just went like that. To be fair, i did think i was being pulled out, but that’s okay, i didn’t need it anyway and now i don’t have a random useless grade hanging around!!

And of course i have my AS Product Design grade B from last year before i dropped it, in all in all, a nice set of results!! :)

So, as i’ve mentioned the general split up scores of german and art and as maths is the most important to me i suppose i should see how this stuff adds up ;)

AS Level:

Core 1 – 97% – A

Core 2 – 91% – A

Statistics 1 – 80% – A [after a resit from 50% – D]

A Level:

Mechanics 1 – 87% – A

Core 3 – 77% – B

Core 4 – 66% – C

Further Maths:

Statistics 2 – 64% – C

Mechanics 2 – 54% – D

Further Pure 1 – 78% – B

———————————

Grade boundaries here are fairly straight forward. A=80, B=70, C=60, D=50 etc. I’m happy with these. And due to anxiety issues, i was hardly around in school in like, the last 2 months of the term, therefore missing out on, pretty much the whole of Mechanics 2, so i’m happy with what i got! And the last chapter of Core 4, AKA Intergration, the most important and biggest chapter. My body does pick it’s moments. I’m so happy about Mechanics 1, it totally deserved to be that way!!

I’m not going to pretend it was easy, as i say i hate feeling sorry for myself and coming up with excuses and things, but this anxiety stuff completely crippled me, i could hardly do homework or revise for a while because the stress got too much, i had to revise whilst out with dad in not always the most comfortable situations but i still did it, and i had to teach myself half the stuff, of course i got help from the teachers but in the end it was me who had to understand it! Everyone was so lovely and understanding at school and considering how i went or..in my form tutors words “what i went through” i think i did well! Personally!

Sorry to bombard you with this stuff! It’s mostly for me to have all in a neat and tidy place!! I got up at 6.30 this morning and my dads the one whose just snoozin’ away! But i’m going to Charlie’s later with some of her family and my dad and my nan for celebrations!! Very excited :)

Farewell x

Day 15

Well, apart from yesterdays disaster, which my eyes are still recovering from, ouch….i feel accomplished! Had our late fathers day on sunday and i’ve sent off my german penpal letter :D As well as a birthday card for my uncle :D This morning went downstairs to find the fridge is slowly dying, the top of it had gone all warm as i accused my dad of not putting the butter away until this morning [it’s happened before] but he was like “it’s been in the fridge all night?” i was like “..then the fridge isn’t working..” haha! Anyway, that’s pointless, why would you want to know that! Hopefully Charlie may come for a visit later :) she’s in between holidays so i’m grabbing hold of her! xD

OH EM GEE, i’ve just seen the advert for the 50 greatest Harry Potter moment which is on later! I’ve got a feeling this lucky blog may get a post about that as it happens!! I’ve got it recorded too i’m that sad, but i’m so excited to see what they mean by great..though i suppose they’ll only have up to the 2nd to last film :( but that’s good too! i bet half the greatest moments would be in the final film anyway, so maybe it’s best they kept it out haha.

Anyway, i just have to say, i am really proud of my brain. My dreams were just crazy last night.

• Firstly, my brain is making things a bit difficult for me. you know when you think it’s best not to be reminded of something and then you have a dream about it. Which i don’t mind one bit, then i wake up and it’s like oh yeah great. Anyway.
• I’m pretty sure at some point there was a big harry potter thing going on in one of my dreams [woke up a couple of times i think] and then everyone had to go into the hall for some reason if they were in a certain house or in the dining room [what?] or the dungeons if they were in other houses, because something was happening. Then at one point there was like a slide-show of people who’d died as a sort of memorial thing. And Fred came up and Ron and George were sitting at the back and George was crying [at which point i’m very glad it was a dream because the acting behind this crying was pretty terrible but it was still quite sad :P]
• I think at one point the rest of JLS turned around to Marvin and said he was having a baby. At which point i thought they were joking because he can’t get pregnant, but turned out they were telling him for like..his wife or something and then the rest of the guys were like ‘okay we’ve like not seen him for a year’ cos he was all baby this baby that HAHA!!! Random!

Finally, and this is something i am particularly proud of my brain for..

• i was in the pub with my friends, except i think the pub was in the cemetery in my area, weird? And then we were outside and we went inside and i went to sit in a big chair and at the same time i think Loz passed an exam or something? She got results for it whilst sitting there somehow. And i suddenly went “How did i get here?” and my friends were like “i don’t know..” and i was like “because..i wasn’t coming to this i don’t remember changing my mind and deciding to come here how did i get here?” i’m very proud because as much as i thought, no way i’m not STILL in bed i went to Tash or someone “oh you know what, i bet this is a dream….” and i rang my dad up and said like “where do you think i am?” or something and he said somewhere i’ve never heard of…but that somehow confirmed it so i was like..right then, not staying here if it’s not even real and woke myself up xD How crazy is that?!

Quite a terrible picture, but i good one is impossible this morning as my eyes are so puffed up from yesterday! haha. Oh and yesterday, i discovered Cleverbot, it’s hilarious.

Farewell x

Day 9

I’m sorta half paying attention because torchwood is currently on. I’ve had my phone for 6 days and i’m getting the hang of it! My battery is none existant because i use it so much at the moment and i’m kinda behind in just discovering Angry Birds [game] which i sort of wish i hadn’t because i get a bit into it when i have nothing to do and then my battery goes down way quickly. But i still love having it as my phone, can do so much more on it, what a sexy beast.

 

Wow, i look a bit posey in that picture don’t i? Not intentional, just trying to look as photogenic as possible as i am, so unphotogenic. But thats okay! HAHA The end of a Friends episode was just on – Richard:”i came here, to tell you i still love you” and the woman doing the voice-over of E4 went “wow shocker” i was like..as if EVERYONE in the whole country and more hasn’t seen that episode millions of times by now! Big Bang Theory on next and i have got some crisps to eat whilst enjoying it!

All these things i’ve had on hold, German penpal letter, Dads father’s day thing, not forgotten about the gift, and need an envelope for my letter, but then it’ll be sent off ASAP! Woop! You don’t wanna know this, i’m just typing for the sake of it. Also, whilst talking about things unfinished, that pizza from the other day, i still have 1 piece sitting in the fridge which i plan to eat later! Fun!

Well, i think Whitby actually finish tomorrow, it’s sort of weird that we haven’t finished with the rest of the school in a while. Actually thats a lie, we finished with everyone last year i suppose. But to be fair i hardly remember any “last” days like the end of July finishing at 12 sort of things.

• Year 9, last day with our form tutor of 3 years, we pretended to watch some boring film, went for our assembly then we all wrote cool messages on a white board that was stuck behind one of the machines in the tech room for a while!
• Year 11, the Bourne Ultimatum or Identity or…one of those films. Played pictionary with Charlie and Kate which was hilarious!! Because nobody was watching it, well we weren’t anyway. Then after the assembly we got away with “needing to get our graphics folders” and just hung out in the tech department where they were on the Wii and eating sweets!…and we got boring action film?? Lack of fairness alert!

Yeah, there was more, but they stick in my mind. Anyway, got to catch up on Eastenders in a moment [yes i’m ashamed that i watch it] but before that it’s time for the Production Video Blog of the Hobbit number 3!!!!!! YEY! I’ve been waiting all day to get home and watch this!! xD

Farewell x

Day 7

Me again! And i’ve just treated myself with some milky way chocolate buttons, which is an upside of my dad popping to the shops almost daily to get a paper. They looked very yummy and…excuse me, my cat is meowing the hell of itself, let me just see to him..meanwhile you can look at a picture of me enjoying these milky buttons…

Just had my first CBT session since i joined here, apparently i’ve had 6, i don’t remember how many there’ve been. (CBT is..ermm too many big words but it’s for anxiety and stuff [well a few more things but..anxiety for me]) Twas as my dad called it “the usual” stuff, when he asked how it went. Just gotta build up slowly and get closer and closer. Twas a tad awkward when he took my combination of ….general awkwardness and the fact that i can’t help myself from crying when i talk about my anxiety and things to literally anyone….as attempting to keep something back. He was like “erm..don’t take this the wrong way” HAHA but i was like “well…no..i mean..i don’t really know what you mean?” :P In the end twas generally fine..even if we did have to wait half an hour more because he was running late with the appointments.

Also! The things i’ve been mentioning for the past couple of days, i need to sort out my dad’s father’s day thing soon [i know i wanted it today  because of the 19th pattern thing, but in reality it was just a nice thing i don’t really mind what date it is…] I’ll try and get that sorted BUT i did write my letter to my penpal, well i wrote i draft before when i was out with the father but i’ve copied it up now, it looks kinda boring, but i suppose i don’t have any funky paper or anything to write it on, maybe i’ll work on that for next time, now i need like…an envelope and a stamp. Here’s the draft stage from before..it’s like an A4 page, i hope my german is better than last time, it should damn well be!

Hmm, considering asking my dad if he wants to order a pizza in, as it’s tuesday and it’s buy one get one free today! I love getting pizza, the great thing about it is, especially whilst my appetites been playing up, i can eat as much as i want and eat the rest cold later, which is great because in a way it stops me snacking on stuff because i just go back to it, not that it’s any healthier for me xD Oh! And plus, the simpsons is on in a bit, and i like the episodes at the moment because they’re ones i haven’t seen that many times, and also if i’m feeling like it i may watchin Elizabethtown later! It’s such a feelgood film (yes i’m slightly in love with Orlando Bloom too…) If not tonight, i definitely want to try and watch it at some point this week!

Oh! And before i go, gotta tell you about this morning. Went to wait for dad in a meeting in some youth club place. When i showed up there was another woman sitting where my dad told me to wait, fine that’s cool she seems nice doesn’t mind me sitting here. Nobody seemed to tell me it was baby and toddler day! Now, i don’t mind babies and things they’re quite sweet, in ones or twos and if they’re not screaming too much. People just kept SHOWING up and would it be so hard to just have one small child in their home? Obviously! Because they all had about 2 or 3! The tiny babies werent that loud they just sit there (until they start crying..oh my), the slightly older ones were just shouting and demanding which makes sense when there’s so many of them but..oh goodness. There was stress and noise and tension just bouncing off the walls and absorbing into my mind i was going INSANE! I had to leave the room but looked at my phone to make it seem a bit more polite, good job my dad came out fairly soon.

Anyway, rant over, off to ask dad about pizza *tottles away* *comes back* SUCCESS! Pizzas it is!

Farewell x

Day 6

Today is the 18th of July, and if i remember correctly, on the 18th of June (one month ago) it was a saturday and i was in the middle of my 2 evil weeks of exams. Now althought that seems like it was a long time ago in someway, it also feels like a month has gone pretty fast!!!! This concerns yet excites me, as on the 18th of August (in a months time) we will be recieving our results for our A Levels!! Erm…EEK! Although i’m excited and just want to get it over with, of course i’m nervous! Don’t know whats going to be happening the night before when we can apparently check out UCAS at some point to see if we got into UNI or not, not knowing our results though of course. Hmm, will have to get exact information about that.

Also, it was Fathers Day on the 19th of June (one month ago tomorrow) and, as i can’t seem to go anywhere without my dad this days and as i was doing some serious revision, i only managed to get him a card. It was a nice card though, i thought. And when i gave it to him he was like “oh!” and i was like “dad..you were there when i bought it i told you i was going off to get you one and not to follow me xD” haha deary me his memory is terrible sometimes! But i wanted to give him something more maybe so i’ll have to try and scrounge together some things because i was hoping to do that tomorrow when it’s a month after Fathers Day (just because i like patterns in these things). Anyway, i’ll get onto that.

Well i’m up in the office again! (my dads that is) Good job they have computers. So i apologise if i post a lot because goodness knows when i’ll be here ’til. I was told to bring lunch, so that doesn’t sound good. I should probably work on chilling myself because i can feel a sort of tense panic thing approaching, so this will be nice. Ugh, it’s always at the start of when i show up places, i have to sit and calm myself down, then i’m usually okay for a while. Sometimes it’s really hard to do breathing exercises, ’cause the thing is it’s all about breathing out longer than you breathe in right?? But if i do it and think about it too much, it feels like i’m not getting enough air so i’ll automatically take a deep breath in, which isn’t a good idea as it starts everything off again! haha!

Oh and also, it’s 11:10 right now (ish) and since yesterday morning it has NOT stopped raining, i’m suprised we didn’t need to leave the house in a boat this morning! Goodness me! And finally, (i have more to randomly say but i think i’ll use a different post before this one gets super long and boring looking…[too late??]) i have a mission! Or, rather a sort of ‘thing i want to make sure i do’.

• I want to make sure i write a letter to my german pen pal we got from school in year 7, i’m lucky that mine wrote back! I know i’ve got her on facebook but i don’t think she’s on there too often and i’d like to start up writing again especially now that i don’t do german anymore because i don’t want to forget it!! Lets just hope she still has the same address!!

As i say, there’s more to say but for now..

Farewell x