Day 367

Alright i’m making excuses because i’ve been busy today so i couldn’t do anything special….tomorrow will be the year point because 13th of July was my Day1, even if i welcomed everyone on the 12th..

TODAY! Was open day at school…wow..myself and a few friends went back to have a look around…

Good points: I’ve not walked to school for like a year and a half, i walked there with Charlie :) And i walked home again with here..

Bad points: I had to make my dad come and wait around whilst i was inside with people, i just wasn’t okay enough at all, i got to school but then called my dad, and everything was a bit tough whilst inside….but overall it was quite good :)

Well, the actually going into school part was great! Spoke to a load of my teachers and my friends saw some of them too and it was just generally really lovely :) I got a gold star :D ….alright..i stole a gold star…from the maths department..but come on…completed my first year of a maths degree quite successfully, i think a gold star is in order xD

One of the teachers had only just come from my Uni herself..she knew a couple of my lecturers it was nice xD one of my teacher’s went there too but she didn’t know any of the lecturers now xD

It’s weird, because i’m pretty sure almost exactly a year ago i was in school and things last [except presentation evening – where we just in the hall anyway..] to hand in my maths text books now that i wasn’t using them! Crazy times!

:)

Farewell x

Day 275

Right!! I’m Very sorry xD I honestly, have just been burried under coursework, but i shall take some time now to write some stuff because i feel like i’ve not posted in AGES!! haha!!

I still can’t say i’ve been doing much anxiety wise but..not for lack of trying but for lack of opportunity right now..i mean i was talking to my nan yesterday and we were saying compared to this time last year i’m a hell of a lot better, i mean…compared to the general population i’m not close to it xD but if we’re comparing to how it used to be..i am!! I mean…i can walk places quite happily, especially with my dad, i used to be like …worried the further away we got from the house or from the car…i’m not sure why..i think it was a sort of agoraphobia clicking in…and you know, i can go the pub and all sorts, and my body isn’t completely collapsing every time i try to do something a tiny bit stressful, i.e even sitting in front of the computer used to wind me up, and that was me in down time!! I once had a mad panic attack watching TV!! I think, it was because it was an episode of Doctor Who..and Elizabeth Sladen [almost a year since she died :( <3] had died and i knew there was a sort of tribute to her at the end and i think i was preparing myself to be upset and got worked up!! Strange…

Ohh..look at this!! Without even realising, i’m surrounded by cats!! Actually! Yesterday was 6 years to the day since i got Lenny and Carl <3 Awwh..and Holly is 17 in a few weeks :O!!

Haha!! Ohh!! And i keep forgetting, i’ll get round to putting up my nails from March soon, i think i was slow because for a lot of March, i didn’t have any nail varnish on because i felt like my nails needed a bit of a break hahaha!!

Something anxiety good yesterday! :D

• Dad casually walked in on my nan and me and was like “oh i need to get a parcel from the post office alright?”
• I was just like “yeah sure go with it” i was fine with it :) to be fair he wasn’t going to be very long hahha and it wasn’t that far but…i like that i was able to convince myself doing it was fine fairly quicky…

I was invited to go and see Titanic in 3D a couple of times this week but i wasn’t really up for it. But it was very nice to be invited of course, i mean…okay…

• 1. it’s…EXTREMELY long..and..when you’re not 100% comfortable with the cinema..you don’t really need that..
• 2. 3D ..for that long..is a long time!! hahaha not the most comfortable of situations..
• 3. Honestly, i don’t even want to watch Titanic at home right about now….Titanic is up there with films such as: Deep Impact, The Day After Tomorrow, 2012…anything where something mad and scary happens and lots of peoeple die in a fairly realistic way..like..the world endings..or..asteroids…i don’t like films like that!! Because they FREAK me out….
• I don’t want to watch these things because i think “ohhh gawd what would i do in that situation!?” and it freaks me out to no end…and…something i..will probably end up going into in more detail eventually but not right now because it’s depressing and morbid HAHA!! My rather major fear/phobia of like…dying..yeah..i’ll stop right there because i don’t want to be depressing hahah!!
• But i’ve thought about it a lot it probably adds to my anxiety quite a lot..not sure where it came from..not that…in a sense it’s not fairly rational…

ANYWAY!!

Hair is in need of drying, it’s all curly and damp right now haha and soon it will dry very wavy and mad if i don’t see to it myself!! xD

Plus, i need to do some coursework to make up for the fun evenings i’m having this week!!

• Went out for a meal with family friends last night, i think my stomach goes into self concious mode when i’m eating out but..i think i did quite well and i wasn’t anxious or anything :) even if we did have a wait a while for a table i was really happy :)
• Going to see some more family friends tonight for a get together of people whilst they’re back from Uni :D
• Pub tomorrow night for friends birthday’s whilst they’re back from Uni :D

Farewell x

Day 267

Well yesterday was interesting, was all anxiety ridding whilst i was here at my dads office, which wasn’t ovely fun..but it did mean i was hit with a bout of post anxiety exhaustion..hahaa!! So if any anxiety came at that stage, it was limited..because my body just couldn’t be bothered any more..which in a sense i was thankful for xD

Sorry but i’m currently eating an amazing sandwich…wow!! It’s vegetarian sausage with ketchup…from the shop round the corner of my dads office…MMM tasty treats!!

Yesterday evening Rach organised to meet up at the pub…but as a group of people were bowling anyway..they were going to go there afterwards….i said sure i’ll come for the pub bit but i wont be going to ‘tenpin’.

Turns out…almost everyone just decided to just go tenpin hahah!! But! It was really nice to see Rach and Jay even if we were the only 3 there for a little while :) not seen either of them in ages ’cause of Uni and things so that was really good :)

Been re-watching ‘Sherlock’ in order for the past 6 nights straight..was the last episode last night *i cry* Ohh i love it so much xD!!

Farewell x

Day 241

As a celebration of the fact that i’ve just finished a piece of coursework 5 days before it’s deadline…i think it’s time i shared some fun music with you all :D

A fair warning..i’ve been going a bit disney crazy recently, because, okay…embarassing story coming up..when i was about 8 or 9 i had a group of friends who i would see all the time and we used to make up crazy dance moves to loads of disney songs..honestly..it was some of the best things ever xD and now whenever i hear these things it’s just..wow..so i’m going to share some of those songs…major nostalgia for me xD

A Star is Born – Hercules [Honestly cheers me up to no end this song!!]

Zero to Hero – Hercules

I’ll Make A Man Out of You – Mulan [Donny Osmond sings this…xD]

Be Our Guest – Beauty and the Beast  [My part of this dance was the best..i just ate food..LOL]

Under the Sea – The Little Mermaid [Favourite Disney film :D]

Prince Ali – Aladdin [WOW memories of this is too much!]

Woop :D So that’s funky times!!

Random anxiety related point…since everything fell apart a year ago….in conversations..especially over skype or twitter or anything…i’ve always found myself saying “alright” or “okay” in response to how are you. Because i never really thought i could get away with saying “good” because it was a totally lie…xD I still don’t say it that often..but i’ve started saying it again!! As, i know things aren’t perfect…but i in myself feel much better..so if i feel good when i’m asked the question…i shall say it :D at least it doesn’t feel like a bit lie any more :P!!

Farewell x

Day 234

I am in the process of uploading photos!! :D I don’t know why i’m telling you because i’ll be done probably by the end of this post xD!! But i’m updating my “Nails of 2012” with my February nails :D!! And i’ll hopefully put the pictures from my ‘mound’ trip/walk in a “read more” section in the other post :)!!

So today was quite good!! My first lecture was stuff from A Level at school..my second lecture was a major overlap of topics from another module *sigh* xD , my third lecture was just..lots of counting numbers and laughing at our lecturer telling us to count quicker because he wanted lunch xD and my last lecture was in front of a computer trying to use maths programs…hahah!! So overall..pretty good!!

Had a bit of a successful time in between lectures when i went into the port with my dad :)

So my dad was working in the offices in the port today…my history of doing successful things whilst there is..

• Walking to ASDA nearby with my dad and Gilly [yeah..that was even a big deal once xD]
• Going over into the shopping centre bit with just Gilly [shes a family friend who works there so..i try and see her there xD] and having lunch..that was such a massive thing at the time wow..i was like..oh man we’re sooo far away from where my dad is! haha :P But i was just about okay then!!
• My dad has been in the building just next to the offices and i’ve walked over to the shops..that was the incident where i had to tell that woman i was agoraphobic to stop her asking me survey questions xD But i remember walking around then and going into the shopping bit but..i didn’t get all the way down..fair enough for me it’s quite long xD and i had to cross the big road where you ALWAYS have to wait for the traffic lights to let you cross!!

But today!

I went over to the shops from the offices..which to be fair is a bit further over from the building next to it, so it’s further from the shops for one..and plus the offices are a 4 story maze xD much longer to get back to where my dad was once i’d got into the building than the other was!! PLUS it doesn’t help they’re doing building works by the entrance so now you have to go in and out of the back!! :P

The first part was a bit wobbley..and i probably looked a bit insane talking to myself…sort of mumbling “okay..it’s not that far..here’s the scary road..i wouldn’t stop walking if i were you just cross it CROSS IT!” hahaha xD Walked into the shopping centre bit and into a shop and got some chocolate..which was SO expensive but worth it because it’s so tasty haha!! Usually that shop has a never ending queue so i wouldn’t go in but there was only 2 or 3 people so i took my chance!!

I was still feeling a bit…tight chest…slightly light headed…so i went back outside and went back over the road and sat on a bench for about 10-15 minutes..which i suppose in itself was something that i was just sat on a bench by myself for a while outside haha!! The annoying thing was the over-hanging feeling whilst i was sitting there watching people was: “..they have no idea..they have NO idea how easy this is for them all look at them this isn’t even a THING to them let alone a difficult thing…”*sigh* but..stuff it haha!! i got over it ;)

And then i went BACK across..which was better than going back inside which i had considered!! And i was much calmer this time..the first time i was rushing and on sort of..high alert hahah but i think i just needed to chill a bit and it worked :) I went back inside the shopping bit and into a few shops a bit further down…i even went outside and made myself walk along one of the streets at the back..it wasn’t any further away…but it kinda was because..i had to walk back the way i’d come to start going back..so i didn’t think i’d get to the end of that street but i was like “lets see shall we..try me” HAHA xD

So…good day :)!!

And of course Congrats to the lovely Fiona for yesterday!! I hope everything went well for you!! :) <3 xx

Farewell x

Day 216

Quick post!! :D I am just burried under piles of coursework right now..but i suppose at least it means i’m getting somewhere with it!!

It’s Valentines Day tomorrow!! Awww get ready for all the mushy lovey stuff :D I actually love Valentines Day even though i’ve always been alone xD!! I don’t believe in hating Valentines Day just because you’re single!! I love love, and the idea of love and it should be celebrated :D And i’ll be seeing my friends..whom i love :D so we’re all winners :D!!

I hope you all have a lovely time :D I’m sure I will! I’ll be enjoying my week off from uni..or as i like to call it “catch-up-on-coursework-week” haha!!

:)

Farewell x

Day 214

So i’ve been courseworking it up a bit today…still doing the odd bits now. Also, breaking news…Charlie and I have sort of organised to have some sort of Sherlock marathon this week..i’m very excited :D It being a week off, it just means i will have to do lots of coursework to make up for the fact i’m going to enjoy myself so much on other occasions, like Sherlock and Valentines day :D!!

Ohh…i got a new dressing gown for Christmas..and it’s so cold..i’ve taken to wearing it like..all the time…

You can’t see, but it’s purple..it’s so lovely and comfy, i would wear it out of i could! HAHA!! Sorry if my hair looks a tad strange..i put it up to get it out of the way when i was doing coursework on the floor. You’re actually lucky, i never have my hair up outside of my house, but i do it quite a lot at home to get it out of my face..you should feel lucky to see it ;) haha!!!

So..i thought i had more interesting things to say but i don’t xD!!

OH!! I had quite a successful trip to Chester today, i was with my dad and everything but, i just was thinking back to when i hated if we parked far away from somewhere we were going and we had to walk ages to get there, especially in horrible weather [WHEN WILL IT STOP BEING FREEZING] and this morning i just sort of realised how little it’s come to bother me now, we walked all around the town centre today, i even let my dad look in a shoe shop….and…you have no idea…my dad…shopping..for ANYONE..is a long..dreary, pain inducing process, let alone for himself..SHOES..for HIMSELF!! haha!!!

Fun!! And we got pasties for lunch, and i downed it like i’ve never eaten one before!! I love when i eat things comfortably and i’m not all picky about it :D

Farewell x

Day 198

I’m currently enjoying the fact that my dad’s mate keeps coming round in the evening to fit our new cloack-room with toilet and sink and new flooring :D It’s nice to have people round but i don’t have to hide away from because he’s as mad as a hatter sometimes but he’s a good handy-man! xD

Now, this isn’t a good excuse but because i’ve been feeling so rubbish with my cough-y cold-y thing recently i’ve been reluctant to let my dad go very far or anything whilst i’ve been in Uni. But i spoke to him today and we do both feel things need to move along a bit. He said he’d like to try to be able to spend more time in the office than Uni, especially than he does at the moment. So i’ve decided i’ll make a plan for next week [hoping i’ve improved a fair bit by then]. This is going to sound terrible, but when it’s a lecture that’s like..the last lecture of the day…i’m not very okay with him being gone up until the end…because we never know exactly when we’ll come out and…it’ll sound very untrustworthy but believe me i have every reason to think he will not be exactly on time :P And the last thing i want to do is make my friends stay longer and wait with me when they could be going home :P Awkward. Anyway…this wont make sense to most i suppose..because you don’t know my lectures/timetable haha but i’m going to write it here anyway!! More motiviation!!

Times Dad Can Hopefully Be At The Office Next Week:

• Monday – 3.00-4.00
• Tuesday – 9.45 – 10.45
• Wednesday – Not In Uni [see what he’s doing as could stay with Nan]
• Thursday – He’s got a meeting 9.30-11.am anyway..
• Friday – 9.15-10.15

So..there’s some interesting ideas that i can hopefully give a go next week and the week after before we get “Development Week” i.e Week off. Though i will be catching up on coursework i think xD We got a booklet telling us what was on in that week..my friend showed me a thing that was “Managinf anxiety and stress” i told my dad and he was like “oh you should go..just sit there like “you don’t know the half of it!!”” haha. Of course i’m not assuming there aren’t people worse off than me there but…you know xD

But today i had a nice success as my dad was putting up leaflets in various council buildings around town, and usually when he wanders off into a strange building i’m a bit iffy about just waiting in the car because i don’t know exactly where he is and of course i don’t know the buildings to go and find him. Bit i stayed for all of them :D Even feeling crappy as i did :D Truth by told..it was too cold to get out of the car xD I’m so lazy!!

So..you know how i was talking about the whole…rewarding my efforts thing…well i’ve decided i need to at least look at a piece of coursework due in in a few weeks..because i have another due at a similar time which i’ve already started..so i said i have to do that before i can watch this…

I’ve been spreading myself out ….since yesterday LOL…i watched 1 of my episodes i’ve not seen yesterday …and it’s time for the next one today!! I’m so excited because the first one, i knew the story-line from things on the internet…but this one i have no idea!! :D I can be part of the crime busting team!!

I think my cough is causing me to explode all over xD I have random mini nosebleeds [consistant with my usual colds..but this one makes not much sense..] one of my eyes is bloodshot [hopefully not some other eye related infection xD] and i think i’ve pulled something in the side of my neck from the tension…owwiiee..[did that at the start of this cough too…] Bleh. Just wish it would leave me ALOOONEEE.

Haha, best look at this coursework..*sigh* xD

Farewell x

Day 191

Okay, short post because since i last post…oh goodness i’ve been feeling rather ill..it’s just a cold coming on but it’s been extremely evil! I think i’ve had a temperature for about 3 days and tuesday night was extremely horrible and wednesday morning i didn’t think i’d ever move again xD But i’m alright. I was at Uni this morning but i missed my last lecture because of feeling ill..and i’m not going out tonight to the pub but..i don’t see this as a fail in anxiety terms…i don’t feel well so xD i wouldn’t be going if i was fine xD

Yesterday…a miracle happened…

You’ll have to excuse the hair..and the subtle facial expression as my dad is right next to me ;) But….WIRELESS WORKS ON MY LAPTOP…wooo!! No more long cable that always falls out and only reaches my bedroom!!

I’M DOWNSTAIRS…..

Haha welcome to the 1990’s yes Jess? xD

Farewell x

P.S Bit of an internet buzz going on…thought i’d spread the word too ;) [You’d be suprised how crazy the movement is getting…]

Join The Movement – #believeinsherlock

Day 186 (2)

So as you can probably see in my earlier post..my fringe has been out of control. I got it trimmed back in December, but it wasn’t really cut enough, and as my hairdresser had stopped cutting someone elses hair to come and do it quickly..i was too polite to say so..but i figured it was okay at the time because…hell..it was shorter…just not as short as usual…[don’t worry i wasn’t wasting money, just a fringe trim is free :D].

So i went back today. I was getting a bit nervous anyway, just because..i do a bit before going there sometimes…and my dad was like “it okay if i go get a paper from the shop over the road..” to be fair i could see it from where i was so i said it was fine. I don’t know how long it takes to get a paper haha!! But i was okay, i was just generally anxious anyway, so i thought…stuff it..might as well create an achievement out of it xD! In the time he was gone i got called over to the chair by this girl who i thought might be cutting it..because my usual hairdresser looked busy with someone else. Which is fine, anyone can do a 2 minute fringe trim, but turned out my hairdresser finished up and then came to me. Which means i was sitting waiting in the chair trying not to look as nervous as i felt haha!!

But i was quite happy when i realised i’d have my normal hairdresser because i suppose it’s less awkward because we’re not strangers and he knows what he’s doing haha xD Plus, this time when he asked if it was okay [thank goodness he phrased it that way] i said it was a tad long still..and i knew how quickly it grew last time so…it’s better now..;)

HAHA …all of this sounds stupid, but the thing is…i don’t know if this is just me or anxiety based or…a mix of the two…but i really hate being a nuisance…like i hate making people go out of their way for me, and it’s knowing what to say so i wont be embarassed. I remember talking to my therapist person ages ago saying “I always thought i didn’t mind being embarassed and making a fool of myself …but i don’t know”. But i think it completely depends on the situation. I’m always willing to do things like..going to ask for a free seat in a pub because the most that will happen is…”someones sitting there” okay fine. I don’t mind being a bit mental in public…because i am mental and no one is going to see me again! xD I don’t mind being a little bit awkward..if it’s easy to recover from..or..it’s so unimportant it hardly matters…i guess i don’t really know….strange xD

Anyone else know if the embarassment thing is probably anxiety based or feel the same as me??…i think it’s grown whilst i’ve had my anxiety…but social anxiety is something i’m pretty sure i don’t have. Maybe there’s just aspects of it with any anxiety eh :)

Farewell x