Day 189

Yeah…so i’m in my PJs at like…7pm…tired..does not even cut how i am feeling right now…i don’t know why but…i wanted to come here to tell you about my successful day :D!!

• So i woke up at 3am…super soar throat…didn’t get back to sleep until like..half an hour later..but when i woke up for good..ugh..i felt horrible. That “start of a cold” feeling…i still have aching head..not nice at all! So i took some medicine and things.
• So at this point i’m thinking….oh gawd..my dad has a meeting in town whilst i’m at Uni today. It’s the first time he will have done this since Christmas…i so don’t want it whilst i feel this bad!! So i’m saying to my dad like “dad i’ll see how i feel after my first lecture but can i come away if i still feel terrible”. At this point…i felt like i was wussing out of my dad being gone…but in all fairness..i did feel terrible!! I was planning ways on making up for it..and was almost certain i wouldn’t be in my second lecture.
• After the medicine kicked in..i did start to feel a bit better. I can deal with cold symptoms just the really bad throat at the start..is way too much for me…but luckily…that started fading. So i thought, maybe i will go to my lecture..i can always change my mind..see how it goes…then i started all my back up plans for if i wanted my dad to come back…as usual..especially when i feel particularly anxious!

Sorry this is getting boring..good things coming!!!

• Long story short…I DID IT :D I stayed at Uni…i actually felt pretty okay. I mean anxiety wise…cold wise…yeughh..but it could have been worse!! When my dad text to say he was coming back i was so happy i’d done it and stuck it out :D Also, my lecture was delayed for half an hour which may have spooked my organised mind usually but i was okay with it and actually got some work done xD

Also…my dad had a meeting later on..next to the place where i said i’d maybe walk over to the shops that time..and it was actually light now…so i was thinking about it….

• When we showed up late and my dad just went to the front of the room and sat down…me…no seat..and too awkward or polite to just barge round and get one..thought..well..i’ll go the shops then.
• When thinking about this previously…my main obsticle was the road. Lots of cars considering…so you often have to wait for the little green man to let you across..now..this is alright going over but coming back would be scary if i was in a hurry ’cause i’d be kinda trapped over there…

Some interesting yet good things happened :D

• Met a school friend at the road side…crossed talking to her anyway…casually dipped into conversation i was trying to walk places without having a panic attack..to cover myself if anything happened..nice to see her…though i said i was going into a shop right on the other side…so i wouldn’t be expected to follow her further than i was willing.
• This was the shop i thought i’d be lucky to get to when thinking earlier…thought about going in..but its such a horrible shop, the isles are such that..you have to go all the way up one to get to the next one..there’s not a lot of gaps in the isles. However..i came back later and went in twice :D
• My dad was like “if you want you could go into the newsagents and get me a paper” i was like “woah steady on dad!” He was like “okay just…if you can you don’t have to”. A place that not too long ago i was reluctant to go with a good friend of mine..an adult..who understood everything..it was such a huge deal…and i actually make it there myself!!! :D ….They didn’t have the paper he wanted…would have got another one..but the queue was never ending..and it just never goes down!! I checked like 4 times! xD
• Went into the odd other shops too…even walked a bit further down the road…though couldn’t go too far down the shopping centre bit…so i thought..don’t push it now!! :P

It’s weird how tiny these things are they made me happy…example of my school friend..simply on her lunch break and off to the shops without a second thought..but ohh no not me.

The came slightly awkward but…honest moment. You know when people stand with clip-boards and grab you in the street to ask you a load of random questions? Well i saw one of those..i thought “i can’t get trapped her talking to him..so he said “can i have a moment of your time?” i was like “oohh…sorry no :/ it’s not you just…yeah” then i walked away..and into ANOTHER one…who properly came over..

Her: “Hello how are you today?”

Me: “I’m alright thank you”

Her: “Can i ask how old you are?”

Me: [thinks: might as well be honest..i’m getting out of this anyway] “I’m…19”

Her: “Ohh!! Can i borrow you for a moment?”

Me: “Errm…i’m gonna say no…sorry…”

Her: “Ohh…” *Looks exaggerated disappointed*

Me: “No it’s erm..just because i erm…i’m not that comfortable being outside at the moment ….slightly agoraphobic…”

Her: “Ohh okay thats fine!” *walks away*

See she was really lovely..they’re obviously not going to push you if you say that…was kinda nice to see. I was telling my dad and he was like “well..it’s good that you stood up for yourself and said that..they wont make you do anything.”

So…ace :) Good day in all..TOTALLY knackered though so!!

Farewell x

 

Day 137

*Phew* Woah, well, did i have a rather busy trip to Chester with the father today, it was OH so busy!! At one point i ran up some stairs to a higher level of shops simple to avoid being trampled by the swarms of people!! Some of it was a little bit awkward, i felt a bit limited as to what i usually do when it comes to walking around places, everything with a bit cramped and uncomfortable. But..i still did it :D

So i trecked up the street, and realised why it was so busy…CHRISTMAS MARKET! :D okay, it’s nothing spectacular…but it was super cute, all little huts selling various little gifts and food with little snowy rooftops…although it was quite warm today, though it was WINDY wow! Which added to the madness somehow…

So, i got to the christmas market and i was a bit cautious diving into the big crowds, especially as i’d walked up further than i have before, but i walked into the crowds a bit to see what was in each of the little huts, i didn’t see all of them because it went quite far away, but after coming back the first time i went back up twice more which i was happy about…the first time it was an extention of going into the sweet shop and getting my dad some sweetie things that he ALWAYS gets from there, so much so that i bought them and the buy behind the till actually went “i should have known you’d get these you always do” hahah!! i was like “yep it’s my dad sending me up for them!” he was like “that’s fine!” :P to be fair i love going in that shop because it’s SO cute and tiny and the people working there are always really nice, i think i remember the first time i saw that guy behind the till and i was thinking “aww he’s so nice it’s lovely when people working are happy and showing it!” :) And also, the second time i went back..i got this…

REINDEER HAT :D i’m going to pretend they were handing them out, but…you actually had to ask for one….haha!! What? I wanted a record of my successes, and plus, i was actually getting anxious at the embarassment of asking, but then i was like “you know what stuff it everyones havin’ one..live a bit!” xD

My dad had ANOTHER puncture! That’s not right! We had the car serviced last Wednesday, then on Tuesday, one tyre went flat, he put the spare on [in my university car park haha] got the flat one fixed, before he’d even had chance to put the proper tired back on, the OTHER tyre was low, so he pumped it up at a garage, drove into town, we came back to the car and it was completely flat! So..we had to put the fixed tyre from tuesday, on the other side! :/ That tyre is getting fixed for tomorrow for us! Deary me! xD

Wow, i’m really tired, but i’ve just got a tiny bit of my coursework due in this week to do, so i’m going to finish that whilst watching the TV :D fun times!!

OH!! Almost forgot to mention! We had a good success last night, my dad said he had some meeting at 7.30pm and i even brought it up! I was like “i could maybe go Charlie’s or something” thought would be nice to see Charlie too..she’s currently injured :P thought i’d keep her company whilst she hobbles about :P I told my dad it was a big thing because i’d only really been at Charlie’s whilst he was at home, and then he was like “ohh well this is good then!” and it was for like 2 hours! :) He wasn’t far, but about 5 minutes, and further than home. So :) Good step for me :) i had a really fun time! We watched “Simon’s Cat” on youtube [if you’ve not seen it, watch it..especially if you have a cat, it’s so cute and good to relate to ;)] and we also watched a DVD Charlie got with her Michael Buble CD :D which was great :) fun times!!

Farewell x

Day 133

Woopie!! Thank goodness! We did it again! My dad went to his office again this morning whilst i was in lectures….reasons why it was a bit of a step up from yesterday..

• It was for 15 minutes longer
• It was at like, 9 so i knew it would be busier when he drove into town
• It was straight away in the morning

:) But we were on computers this morning, and i’m always quite comfortable in front of them which was nice!! Saw some amazing graphs on the computer haha, maths geek in me is showing their ;)

Took a little while to settle, and did have a random anxious moment, but nothing i couldn’t handle :) I was saying to my dad, i’m actually quite alright with the fact i feel a bit tense and things, because it shows like…i haven’t been doing things more cautiously than i needed to, and it also proves that i’m pushing myself :)

Handed some MORE coursework in today. Really want to finish this piece that’s in for next wednesday so i can start lookin at the next piece, because i really should look at it! To be fair, i could just look at it anyway xD

Hmm..rather hungry, i may offer to make tea, only because it makes me feel like i’m doing something whilst waiting for it haha!! Though, only if it’s something i’m capable of doing, i’m no cook! xD

Farewell x

Day 113

Expectation is the root of all heartache – William Shakespeare

I have had a fun day today! That quote was just random, as i just saw it, and i believe it’s probably too. We know Shakespeare was super wise, so makes sense that it is true anyway xD I’m going to see John Barrowman in concert next Friday, and today a friend came round and we made a super big sign to take with us :D haha! Very exciting, i’ve never done anything like that before, but we’re on the front of the balcony, so we thought we’d make the most of the position we were in tehe!! It took, about 4 and a half hours if you don’t include the small breaks we took, which..it quite a long time to to doing something like that i thought xD.

Ignoring the Lord of the Rings posters i put around my room [mostly to cover up my super childish wallpaper …my room needs decorating badly..] you can see here my cat is currently sleeping happily behind me.

And he is snoring very loudly. I don’t know what it is about snoring and me but we don’t mix. My dad snores a lot and it really bothers me haha!! I try not to get annoyed because obviously, they can’t help it…but i’m just like..gah, it just gets under my skin sometimes haha!!  I’m pretty sure i’ve been woken up from my dad snoring from his room!! Which is across the hall from mine xD

So, the pub is tomorrow :) it’ll be super nice to see everyone, i realised i was putting a bit of pressure on myself, i don’t know why i think i have to stay for the whole of these things, if i stay for half an hour and want to leave, fine, if i stay for 10 minutes and it’s too much and i want to leave, fine, it’ll be great to see everyone and i’m sure i’ll be happy. Plus, the friend whose organised it because he’s back from Uni, i’m round at his with my dad to have dinner with their family beforehand anyway, so i’m sure i’ll be in a good mood and things, and plus!! doing that will make me distracted and make sure i’m not just spending all evening thinking about it.

I’ve got nothing to worry about:

• Dad is no further than at Charlies
• I’ll be with friends and they’ll be supportive :)
• if i got desperate and couldn’t wait for my dad, i’m sure i could get someone to sort of walk towards my house with me, just because i think that would make me feel better to know i would sort of “meet my dad half way” not that it’d get that far haha. And i’m sure i wouldn’t have to do that, it takes him less then 2 minutes in the car to get to the pub, and it’ll be night time, hardly busy at all!
• I’ve gotta be prepared that it can get busy as it gets later and maybe a bit less comfortable, but i can easily leave if i feel like this, it depends where we sit and things, plus it’s a thursday tomorrow, it’s not like its friday or saturday, so i’m sure it wont get THAT busy.

There, there’s all my getting the negative thoughts out of the way. In the end, i always exaggerate these things, but if i’m super prepared, i feel better once it comes round to it :D

Oh! Lets see how my to-do-list is getting on now we’re half way through my week of [alreadyyy *sigh*]

• Charlie’s Halloween Party
• Hopefully Pub Gathering
• Post penpal letter
• Have Halloween plans with myself :D
• Birthday presents/cards for friends
• Meet up with Kate for sign
• Carve pumpkin ;)

• Sort out notes from maths lectures
• Complete Coursework for MA4002 – Pure Maths
• Attempt most questions on Coursework for MA4001 (A) – Maths/Numerical Methods
• Attempt as much as possible of Coursework for MA4005 (A) – Envisioning Information/Statisical Methods
• Complete (hopefully) Coursework for – MA4004 – Groups and Abstract Algebra
• Attempt as much as possible of Coursework for – MA4001 (B) – Maths/Numerical Methods
• Meet up with Sam to go through coursework
• Hopefully skype conference fellow math-ies for coursework chats!

• Make myself create a goal list!

Ah, lovely, so i’ve done most of the leisure thingsi in the first column xD just the hard work to go! Now, to be fair everything that’s in italics is at least part way done. I was doing some coursework this morning, i just can’t make myself do too much at once as my body is allergic to stress these days, it had a bit of a meltdown if i do anything that requires too much hard work if i’m not careful..haha.

Anyway :) All the best to all!

Farewell x

Day 110

• Charlie’s Halloween Party
• Hopefully Pub Gathering – It would be a great goal as long as i’m okay on the day, i don’t really know the plans for it yet so, shall keep up to date with that!
• Post penpal letter
• Have Halloween plans with myself :D
• Birthday presents/cards for friends
• Meet up with Kate for sign
• Carve pumpkin ;)

• Sort out notes from maths lectures
• Complete Coursework for MA4002 – Pure Maths
• Attempt most questions on Coursework for MA4001 (A) – Maths/Numerical Methods
• Attempt as much as possible of Coursework for MA4005 (A) – Envisioning Information/Statisical Methods
• Complete (hopefully) Coursework for – MA4004 – Groups and Abstract Algebra
• Attempt as much as possible of Coursework for – MA4001 (B) – Maths/Numerical Methods
• Meet up with Sam to go through coursework
• Hopefully skype conference fellow math-ies for coursework chats!

• Make myself create a goal list!

There is my…updated to-do-list!! [Crossed off a couple..and actually added some i forgot xD] Haha!! Quick post as i’m off to bed, just been to charlie’s party for halloween and it was great!! Didn’t feel anxious like…at all!! I mean, i know it was like 2 minutes from my house, but i usually feel at least tiny bouts of anxiety whilst i’m there, plus her mum and dad went out which is usually a bit of an issue for me, i’m not sure why, but i didn’t mind :) It was really fun. We watched “Up” haha!! Such a great film, i got out of there before the scary films came on, but i stayed longer than i thought i would and was more comfortable then i thought too!! So this has given me more confidence for the pub visit which i’m still hoping to do! :D I’m not going to make myself feel bad if i don’t do it, but it’s something that’s close and i haven’t done it in a while, so i know it would be good to do!!

Can’t wait until tomorrow night!! Hopefully i’ll get you a picture of my pumpkin once it’s carved and everything!! Halloween plans! :D Plus it gets dark at like 5pm now the clocks have gone back, so i can start my simpsons earl-ish :D If i can get any good pics of tonight i’ll share them with you!! :D

Farewell x

P.S By the way!! I need to watch “Elizabethtown” everyone should watch it too, yes it’s kinda cheesy, and the humor at the start is a little dark, but overall it’s a really lovely feel-good film!! :D The music makes me happy and it NEVER  fails to make me smile, i love love LOVE it..i used to watch it constantly and i miss it!! [Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst are in it :D]

Also, i watched “Nim’s Island” this morning, mostly because it was on in the background and i remember seeing it at the cinema. There’s a woman who Jodie Foster plays who is a writer of big adventure stories except she’s super agoraphobic and by the looks of things just generally anxiety ridden about everything!! Now, the story isn’t based around her so it doesn’t really show this as *the* issue of the film and things, but i think it shows it fairly well. Though if i was her, i’d never have made it halfway across the world however important it was that i did it….though the film overall is not the most realistic ever haha xD