Day 393

The little project i started a while back has hit a bit of a dead end. I mean i didn’t expect it to be filled to the brim but i’ve renewed the word out there a bit so that should be good :) super thank you very very much to those who have contributed so far :)!!!

I’d also like to take this moment to recommend blogs, honestly guys, having this is actually really good for me!! I want to do things because i want to be able to tell you guys xD!!

And plus, you guys are often a bit more understanding sometimes, i mean of course people around me understand but it’s easier to irritate them and i seem to do that sometimes, so..thank you guys this is really lovely :)

So i’m not gonna lie..i’ve had a slow session..

I’ve not been doing very much recently…and i’m trying to break it..it’s just hard. And i know why i’ve got back down there, it’s because things have resulted in panic. You need things to go well to have confidence boosted. I’m not having a go at my dad because it’s not like he can’t live every day life, but he’s the one who says he doesn’t do things until he’s sure he can do them, because he doesn’t want the negative experience to just make him feel like he can’t do it more. I know i have to push myself but when i find tiny things difficult how i am supposed to be happy to just go loads of bigger things..Hmm :P

Anyway..

Today!! I went to the pub, not done that in a while :) It was good, even though, my dad did end up practically waiting for me, but i think it was for the best, it made me feel a lot better about next time, i think i just needed to get used to the idea again…so i think it was for the best these time round because i was a bit edgy as it was..so didn’t really want it to be worse…i was at war with myself ALL day about going or not so i figured it was definitely better than not going :)

Got my fringe cut FINALLY!!

Webcam is being a bit tempermental..but..it wanted to work today so yey xD

Wow, that is quite scary isn’t it xD

Tomorrow!! I am going the cinema with Charlie again :D We went to see that Pirates film back in March?? We’re going to see The Lorax..haha whatever that’s about..but it’s light-hearted and fairly short so should be good :D And see, i had a really good experience last time so now i’m almost not worried at all about it..i’m excited to go, i know my dad wont be too far..but still :D it’s something!! :)

Farewell x

Day 267

Well yesterday was interesting, was all anxiety ridding whilst i was here at my dads office, which wasn’t ovely fun..but it did mean i was hit with a bout of post anxiety exhaustion..hahaa!! So if any anxiety came at that stage, it was limited..because my body just couldn’t be bothered any more..which in a sense i was thankful for xD

Sorry but i’m currently eating an amazing sandwich…wow!! It’s vegetarian sausage with ketchup…from the shop round the corner of my dads office…MMM tasty treats!!

Yesterday evening Rach organised to meet up at the pub…but as a group of people were bowling anyway..they were going to go there afterwards….i said sure i’ll come for the pub bit but i wont be going to ‘tenpin’.

Turns out…almost everyone just decided to just go tenpin hahah!! But! It was really nice to see Rach and Jay even if we were the only 3 there for a little while :) not seen either of them in ages ’cause of Uni and things so that was really good :)

Been re-watching ‘Sherlock’ in order for the past 6 nights straight..was the last episode last night *i cry* Ohh i love it so much xD!!

Farewell x

Day 256

It’s official it’s our lovliest weather day of the year so far!!

• [Before i start, i did go the pub last night :D yey! For..almost an hour and a half..i’ve not been in ages…and i did have to go back outside for a second before my dad left like “give me a second…” then i just thought..stuff it ahaha so it took me a little while to relax properly but :)!!]

It’s so warm and sunny and not windy and rainy like every other day in the UK xD I’m eating an ice-cream!!! I like…always seem to buy mint-choc-chip ice cream, it’s the most amazing flavour ever, it’s what i pick..all the time..unless it’s like a proper pudding after a meal or something..then i may have chocolate xD!!! But..they were out…i realised i don’t have a back up flavour it was awkward..i went for strawberry..good choice..it was nice :D

So…considering some, at points, anxiety episodes…it’s been a really nice day!! :D And you know, in terms of anxiety i think progress was made :)

Had to get up really early so my dad could go into the port and stand outside the library handing out leaflets for hours xD We got there t 9am and Graham Norton [love him] comes on the radio at 10am so i thought i’d hit the shops before that.

• It was nice and quiet to start with which was nice, went into a card shop, and saw they had easter cards that were 8 for £1, that’s awesome. I thought, i’ve no idea what i’m doing at easter anymore..at least i can give some of my friends a cute card, plus i can send them to penpals to make sure i write back to them soon!
• It took about 3 attempts of going in and out of the shop before i finally bought them, i made all the decisions i could beforehand..because i know what my body is like..once it knows i’m actually buying something and i’m stuck ’til i get it freaks out..
• I decided to wait until the queue died down and then ran there..though someone just shifted in before me slighty..i thought..okay..just 1 person…that’s fine.
• My luck…with tills….is hideous…
• The woman in front of me buys some cards, and asks for stamps, the girl at the till presses the wrong button or something, she tries to fix it but doesn’t, has to call on someone else, they come over, hear the problem, tell her what she actually has to press, then goes to get something else from another till, and comes back..and finally fixes the problem..
• At this point, i’m stripping down to the bottom layer of clothes because i’ve got so hot! I’m trying rather hard not to drop my money because my hands were shaking! HAHA i was looking for suitable places to just put down my cards and excuse myself if necessary..but i did hold it together..just about..
• Every time the girl was like “sorry about this” to the woman…she went “Ohh thats okay :)” i was standing behind her with a look of “IS IT…IS IT REAAAAALLLY OKAAY?!” :P
• My dad said it was probably good for me xD He was probably right :P mostly because i went into a shop after that and had to wait for 2 people to be served even though it’d been empty when i walked in, strange these things, but i just sort of gave myself a pitying laugh of “well just my luck obviously” :P But that was fair quick! xD

At this point i share some songs with you ;)

Firstly, i was listening to Graham Norton in the car, and he has a section of his show called “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better” where he basically plays rather cheesy or terrible songs HAHA!! Well he played this:

Hands Up – Ottawan

Maybe not this exact version is in my memory, but i had a tape with this song on when i was younger…it was MEMORY CITY in my car, i was raving like all sorts of mad!! So, anyway you know my whole “wow i get really anxious before i send important or awkward emails and texts or make the phone calls” like it’s not BAD..but it’s there…so people text and email the radio and that obviously..so i’m having a whale of a time and texting in like “Graham i don’t see the problem this is awesome!! etc. etc.” because you know…i love him..we’re BFF’s obviously [haha!] thinking nothing of it, loads of people text in. Until i heard it back to me 5 minutes later…good job i was by myself in the car…squealed a little bit…

HAHAA!! Then he played this, which is new around at the moment i think…or at least fairly…i hope that before i’ve shared with you “Hey Soul Sister” by Train..i think i have…well..this is by them too :)

Drive By – Train

It’s super happy and groovy!! :D *dances*

• Then after we’d come home for lunch we went into Chester so my dad could see that library too…i walked quite a lot!! The lovely weather helped so that was good for me i think :)!
• Also, there was some people doing some crazy dancing and that it was great xD!!

Farewell x

Day 255

Hello :)

Sorry i’ve not posted that much exciting…i’m really just trying to get through this last week and just get to the easter holidays already!! 1 lecture to do in a couple of hours! Yey :)

Then i think i’m going to need to make some form of epic plan of when to do all my coursework or something, because jeeeez is there a lot!!

I’m sure posting will be fairly normal soon! xD I just need to be in one of those typing moods! :)

Loz text earlier with an invitation to the pub which i will hopefully take her up on! I haven’t been in a while, though i don’t really like it there on fridays it’s very crowded and horrible and VERY loud, i don’t understand what the pub people think they’re getting out of REALLY loud music, it’s just people sitting around tables, we’re supposed to be able to talk to eachother!!

Also, my dad actually does have that meeting he thought he had this week, next tuesday, but Sam suggested maybe we get pizza again like we did on Valentines Day :) So hopefully we’ll do that and my dad can go whilst we’re all at home :)

Also! The cinema is possibly taking place next Wednesday!! Plans plans plans xD

Farewell x

Day 178

Hellooooo bloggies!! Well lets see how things are going ;)

• Woo for the pub last night!! I thought there was only going to be a couple of us, and that was okay :) But then i showed up and there was quite a lot more people than i thought which made it nice :) Also!! i saw someone i haven’t seen since like…August! As they were back from Uni and there with other people :D At the pub i was never like…completely comfortable…but i stayed for an hour and a half :D Even though i would have felt more comfortable leaving quite a bit sooner than that so :D yey haha!!
• Okay! so i have this thing with my dads phone [dad being my safe person…] sometimes when i ring it goes to voicemail like..over and over again..i think it’s signal related..well it happened last night but i could ring my house then because i knew he was at home…it made it much harder to let him go across to the HQ building this morning but..DOING IT…fingers crossed :D Honestly..i will walk over there if it came to it …unless i panic and freeze half way there..haha! see..i’m having a bit of a negative thought morning like that..but…*positive thoughts are in there somewhere* :)
• Later when we’re in the Port, i’m hoping to see [weather permitting..] if i can go from the offices where my dad will be over the road to where the shops are. If i can’t alone, i may be meeting up with a friend anyway so i could see if that makes a difference :) It’s actually quite sunny at the moment but it’s set to get a bit soggy. But i can deal with drizzle..i just don’t want any more super cold wind and horizontal rain!!! xD

Okay blog, i’m going to use you to help me with my current situation. I was living in negative though city this morning, rather disheartening..but here’s all the reasons..why i have nothing to worry about!!

• Okay, so dad didn’t pick up his phone yesterday…yeah it happens..nobody says it’s definitely going to happen today though!!
• Who says you’re even going to have to ring him!! Have you ever got into a big state whilst you’ve been here?? No…you’ve been here for much longer than it’s going to be this time too!
• So…i have the number of about 5 other people over in that meeting…surely someone will answer the phone!! [haha it’s not weird..they’re people i know..and my dad works with a lot…]
• If i freaked out..there’s like 4 people here with me, who i’m sure aren’t going anywhere because it’s not near to lunch time, and they’re all really lovely so..if i freaked..i’m sure they’d be happy to help!!
• If i scooch over to the left a little *scooches* I can see the building he’s in!! Yeah it might take a few minutes to get over there, but if i had to..i would!!
• I’ve become uncomfortable but i haven’t had a full blown scary panic attack in ages!! I don’t know why i still expect them so much!! [I suppose it’s because i know i’m pushing myself which i haven’t been doing as much before..] but yeah!!
• I brough nail varnish with me :D Cue the distraction, very excited to get that under way soon hopefully :D
• Plus, mega issue, i’m obviously SO much happier and more comfortale here at the computer in the lovely cosy office than i am over in that horrible HQ building. I used to really like it but…no..i’ve gone off it. Time will go quicker here!!

Erm..i was going to type something else but..it’s completely gone out of my mind. Someone else has shown up in this part of the office, who i’m really comfortable with so things are a bit less awkward now :) Generally helps with stuff yey :)

Since my fun Mario post the other day, i’m considering a similar Lord of th Rings based one [as it’s like..my favourite thing in the world <3] if i ever have to sit here for a long time again and need something to do :D…all this Mario stuff made me really want to restart a game i have..but i’m scared i’d just forget my life and Uni work HAHA!!! I don’t even know if i can restart..i’d never risk loosing everything i’ve completed!! But if there’s a separate profile or something…okay i’ll shut up now xD

Farewell x

Day 177

I feel like i’ve been living in my car. Drove into Manchester this morning. Well my dad did, which was good for him because he’s not gone since like….last february..and he gets a bit anxious driving far so i was happy for him that he did it. He also kinda passed his problem with motorways on to me, but it’s not too bad…i was kinda anxious going there but only until i was having a conversation or was distracted. So it wasn’t too bad at all, plus i didn’t want to say anything because i knew my dad was probably worse at the time.

Anyway, even now i’ve only got 20 minutes at the computer before i’m whisked away again in the car to go somewhere else. But hopefully i’ll still be going to the pub tonight with people :D I’m kind of knackered so i wont be there too long, but anything is good :D Especially as this time, i don’t get that much time to prepare..i mean..i can have as much time as i want, but by the time we get back from this next meeting my dad has..i’ll already be showing up after everyone else anyway. But it’s cool. Hopefully it wont be too wild in there as it’s a thursday so i might be more willing to stay for longer :)….oh jeez i need to charge my phone for a bit before i go i think xD

Anyway…short post..not here for long now xD

Farewell x

Day 176 (2)

Soooo i’m currentlyjazzing up a penpal letter replying to one i got today. I need to reply to my german penpal :D I got a Christmas Card from her!! Very exciting, though a reply to her takes a bit more effort, as..you know..i’m not completely fluent in german, but i enjoy writing back :D

So had some good anxiety stuff happening :D Yesterday, my dad had a meeting in the evening and i went to Charlies. The coolest part about it was…i thought about it and my mind sort of went “well..it’s something..i’ve not done anything in a while, even if i don’t really feel like it, i want to do it..i can just try it..if it goes wrong, i’ll deal with it later xD” which was nice. And it was fine :) And tomorrow i’m hopefully going to the pub again!! It’s actually really nice to have a normal organisation conversation about going out somewhere..it’s weird xD Best thing is it’s thursday tomorrow, so it wont be mad and loud like it usually is on fridays, the last 2 times we’ve been :D.

Farewell x

P.S 200 posts..wow xD

Day 143 (2)

Okay, i have to start by saying, EVERYONE needs to watch this youtube video, it’ s a chrismas light’s display to music, it’s my favourite i always watch it! Makes me really happy xD CLICK ME!

So, anyway, let’s get back to today! I like the idea of sharing Christmas songs i randomly hear throughout the day with you :) So i’ll do that to start with!

Last Christmas – Wham

Merry Christmas Everyone – Shakin Stevens

Tehe :D And whilst I’m at it, i might as well spread some more love with some more that i love xD whether anyone else enjoys them or not! hehe!

White Christmas – Michael Buble and Shania Twain [Really excellent :D It’s upbeat too!]

Thank God It’s Christmas – Queen [You know me, can’t resist a Queen song ;)]

So, phew, i’ve been slowly working through some more of my maths coursework, oh how ever so exciting it is! It seems to be all that i’m doing recently xD But it could be worse! I’m just happy i don’t have exams!!

So, this week has gone well i think :D Anxiety progress wise…

• Went to Charlie’s for 3 hours Monday night
• Was in Uni whilst dad was in office for a meeting for an hour and a half on Tuesday
• Had mad anxiety provoking protest march on Wednesday, but overall enjoyed it!
• Went to the cinema for a 2 hour long film last night!
• Dad went to the office whilst i was at Uni for an hour again this morning, though i really didn’t want him to i still said go :D
• I’m actually pretty sure i’m going to the pub again later!! At least for a little while to see people :D

I think i’m going to sleep for the whole weekend xD I need recovery time!!

Farewell x

 

Day 114

Howdy! Just a quick post! YEY! i made it to the pub!!! :D I was so chuffed because i’d been feeling rubbish this morning, but like i thought i started feeling more relaxed when i went to a mates for dinner and everything! It was really lovely to see friends home from Uni and a couple of people i hardly see at all any more which was great!! I was a bit worried about it being busy but it definitely wasn’t which was nice! There was a group of OAP’s in the corner having a meal which reassured me things wouldn’t get too wild xD

I actually laughed to the point where i had to MAKE myself stop because i was tensing with laughing and starting to feel a bit iffy xD But not in a bad way once i’d calmed down. Oh it was funny!!

And it’s nice that i’ve done that now, because i’ve not been there since January, and people go there quite a lot so it’ll be nice to know i can join in with that more often now rather than just automatically not going like usual. It’s all moving forward people!! haha!

Also, small things that made me feel good about doing them was like, i didn’t sit on the end of the table or anything, and it was a bit of an effort to get out aswell, bit i knew i could easily if i wanted to :) And also, one of my friends showed up without a chair and was like “oh it’s cool i’ll just stand here” i was like “It’s okay i’ll go get a chair off those peoeple!!” haha i suppose it’s not a big deal for me because i’m not really bad in social situations usually and i don’t mind asking people if a seat is free, i do it enough, haha but i guess it just reassures i was comfortable :)!

Also, they played some funky songs, so i could burn addrenaline dancing to them xD Plus, one song one friend described to me as “my song” as she was remembers me dancing and singing to it at school xD and i can’t escape the song haha i get it in my head forever once i hear it!!

Farewell x

Day 113

Expectation is the root of all heartache – William Shakespeare

I have had a fun day today! That quote was just random, as i just saw it, and i believe it’s probably too. We know Shakespeare was super wise, so makes sense that it is true anyway xD I’m going to see John Barrowman in concert next Friday, and today a friend came round and we made a super big sign to take with us :D haha! Very exciting, i’ve never done anything like that before, but we’re on the front of the balcony, so we thought we’d make the most of the position we were in tehe!! It took, about 4 and a half hours if you don’t include the small breaks we took, which..it quite a long time to to doing something like that i thought xD.

Ignoring the Lord of the Rings posters i put around my room [mostly to cover up my super childish wallpaper …my room needs decorating badly..] you can see here my cat is currently sleeping happily behind me.

And he is snoring very loudly. I don’t know what it is about snoring and me but we don’t mix. My dad snores a lot and it really bothers me haha!! I try not to get annoyed because obviously, they can’t help it…but i’m just like..gah, it just gets under my skin sometimes haha!!  I’m pretty sure i’ve been woken up from my dad snoring from his room!! Which is across the hall from mine xD

So, the pub is tomorrow :) it’ll be super nice to see everyone, i realised i was putting a bit of pressure on myself, i don’t know why i think i have to stay for the whole of these things, if i stay for half an hour and want to leave, fine, if i stay for 10 minutes and it’s too much and i want to leave, fine, it’ll be great to see everyone and i’m sure i’ll be happy. Plus, the friend whose organised it because he’s back from Uni, i’m round at his with my dad to have dinner with their family beforehand anyway, so i’m sure i’ll be in a good mood and things, and plus!! doing that will make me distracted and make sure i’m not just spending all evening thinking about it.

I’ve got nothing to worry about:

• Dad is no further than at Charlies
• I’ll be with friends and they’ll be supportive :)
• if i got desperate and couldn’t wait for my dad, i’m sure i could get someone to sort of walk towards my house with me, just because i think that would make me feel better to know i would sort of “meet my dad half way” not that it’d get that far haha. And i’m sure i wouldn’t have to do that, it takes him less then 2 minutes in the car to get to the pub, and it’ll be night time, hardly busy at all!
• I’ve gotta be prepared that it can get busy as it gets later and maybe a bit less comfortable, but i can easily leave if i feel like this, it depends where we sit and things, plus it’s a thursday tomorrow, it’s not like its friday or saturday, so i’m sure it wont get THAT busy.

There, there’s all my getting the negative thoughts out of the way. In the end, i always exaggerate these things, but if i’m super prepared, i feel better once it comes round to it :D

Oh! Lets see how my to-do-list is getting on now we’re half way through my week of [alreadyyy *sigh*]

• Charlie’s Halloween Party
• Hopefully Pub Gathering
• Post penpal letter
• Have Halloween plans with myself :D
• Birthday presents/cards for friends
• Meet up with Kate for sign
• Carve pumpkin ;)

• Sort out notes from maths lectures
• Complete Coursework for MA4002 – Pure Maths
• Attempt most questions on Coursework for MA4001 (A) – Maths/Numerical Methods
• Attempt as much as possible of Coursework for MA4005 (A) – Envisioning Information/Statisical Methods
• Complete (hopefully) Coursework for – MA4004 – Groups and Abstract Algebra
• Attempt as much as possible of Coursework for – MA4001 (B) – Maths/Numerical Methods
• Meet up with Sam to go through coursework
• Hopefully skype conference fellow math-ies for coursework chats!

• Make myself create a goal list!

Ah, lovely, so i’ve done most of the leisure thingsi in the first column xD just the hard work to go! Now, to be fair everything that’s in italics is at least part way done. I was doing some coursework this morning, i just can’t make myself do too much at once as my body is allergic to stress these days, it had a bit of a meltdown if i do anything that requires too much hard work if i’m not careful..haha.

Anyway :) All the best to all!

Farewell x