Day 297

Once again apologies for the big gap between posts, but i might as well make this a sort of “Announcement” whilst i’m hear….

Coursework is over for this year :D *has a party* but the exams are on their way, so i’ll pop in sometimes maybe, but just to say, between now and 8th of June, all is well, things are just on hold whilst i revise for and take my exams!! So i may not be around very much until then :)!!

But plans for now and after!

• Pub tonight for one! :D Yey! Not been in a while and i’m actually really chuffed albeit slightly anxious as always but it’ll be light when i show up still and friday’s don’t scare me as much as they used to because it’s really REALLY busy but we’re ususally out of the way so :)!! And plus i’ll be seeing loads of people who i hardly see these days :).
• Provisions this year aren’t nearly as serious for my exams as they were during my A Levels, but i’m still emailing my head of department and just letting her know that, although things haven’t been causing MAJOR problems at Uni, exams are obviously a stressful issue and i’m just making her aware of things :)
• But recovery is at a stand still until after my exams which i’m sure can be forgiven xD but afterwards dad and i think i should go back to the doctors to ask for more help..
• I mean, i know stuff is good and i’m doing little things but personally i’d quite like things to be going along a bit more than they have, so i’m not scared to admit i probably need a bit of help with that, because i’m not pushing things enough on my own :/ i really want things to improve a bit more so :)

Hope everyone is okay <3!!

Farewell x

Day 291

Again, i’m sorry for the lack of updates recently…or at least lack of anything interesting HAHA!!

I’m not ignoring everyone i promise xD I just have a LOT of work to do! And i’ve almost finished my last piece of coursework for this year :D and then it’s exams in 3 weeks time for 3 weeks..and then..I’M ALL YOURS ;) haha and i mean it, my dads taken loads of time of work for the rest of the year…mostly for himself of course…but my part is to get further into this…at least getting a bit further with anxiety progress thing..

I do admit the recovery is on a bit of a hold right now whilst my year of Uni comes to an end..but i’m determind to make it more managable in the near future *sigh* why does it have to be so hard :P

Though i’m quite proud of myself for a moment today..

This is gonna sound a bit silly but…my dad being around being one of my major safe things…

I was looking out the window and saw a random dog running about in the street..and i heard my dad coming upstairs and i was like “..did you see that dog?” and he said he was going to go out and see where it went….at this point i was in my PJs so i was like…getting into a sort of…reasonable state to leave the house in..not because i was gonna follow him but..incase the dog appeared i wanted to be able to help if necessary…

So he left as i was getting ready and he said he was only going down the end of the road..

By the time i was ready i went outside and looked around..

There were some neighbours going into a house…and i figured my dad had gone past the end of the road which is why i couldn’t see him. However, not panicking required rather a lot of self control…

• there was the extreme part of my brain going “at least you just saw your neighbours go in..if you have to get someone..you know they’re there” [i’m fairly friendly with them so it wasn’t too weird xD]
• the panic mode in my brain going…i can’t see him..oh gawd i’ve no idea where he is..and he doesn’t have his phone because it’s inside..right i have no way of contacting..i might just shout him in the hope he’ll hear me…
• and rational part going “alright…he’s not gonna just lie to me! he’s gone down there he’s not much further than you can see..he’ll be back in a second…”

So..i’m happy i listened to the 3rd part mostly xD kept the 1st part in the back of my mind…and walked towards the end of the road myself to make the 2nd part a bit happier hahaha xD

Turns out the 3rd part was right…it was an interesting moment though xD

Farewell x

Day 275

Right!! I’m Very sorry xD I honestly, have just been burried under coursework, but i shall take some time now to write some stuff because i feel like i’ve not posted in AGES!! haha!!

I still can’t say i’ve been doing much anxiety wise but..not for lack of trying but for lack of opportunity right now..i mean i was talking to my nan yesterday and we were saying compared to this time last year i’m a hell of a lot better, i mean…compared to the general population i’m not close to it xD but if we’re comparing to how it used to be..i am!! I mean…i can walk places quite happily, especially with my dad, i used to be like …worried the further away we got from the house or from the car…i’m not sure why..i think it was a sort of agoraphobia clicking in…and you know, i can go the pub and all sorts, and my body isn’t completely collapsing every time i try to do something a tiny bit stressful, i.e even sitting in front of the computer used to wind me up, and that was me in down time!! I once had a mad panic attack watching TV!! I think, it was because it was an episode of Doctor Who..and Elizabeth Sladen [almost a year since she died :( <3] had died and i knew there was a sort of tribute to her at the end and i think i was preparing myself to be upset and got worked up!! Strange…

Ohh..look at this!! Without even realising, i’m surrounded by cats!! Actually! Yesterday was 6 years to the day since i got Lenny and Carl <3 Awwh..and Holly is 17 in a few weeks :O!!

Haha!! Ohh!! And i keep forgetting, i’ll get round to putting up my nails from March soon, i think i was slow because for a lot of March, i didn’t have any nail varnish on because i felt like my nails needed a bit of a break hahaha!!

Something anxiety good yesterday! :D

• Dad casually walked in on my nan and me and was like “oh i need to get a parcel from the post office alright?”
• I was just like “yeah sure go with it” i was fine with it :) to be fair he wasn’t going to be very long hahha and it wasn’t that far but…i like that i was able to convince myself doing it was fine fairly quicky…

I was invited to go and see Titanic in 3D a couple of times this week but i wasn’t really up for it. But it was very nice to be invited of course, i mean…okay…

• 1. it’s…EXTREMELY long..and..when you’re not 100% comfortable with the cinema..you don’t really need that..
• 2. 3D ..for that long..is a long time!! hahaha not the most comfortable of situations..
• 3. Honestly, i don’t even want to watch Titanic at home right about now….Titanic is up there with films such as: Deep Impact, The Day After Tomorrow, 2012…anything where something mad and scary happens and lots of peoeple die in a fairly realistic way..like..the world endings..or..asteroids…i don’t like films like that!! Because they FREAK me out….
• I don’t want to watch these things because i think “ohhh gawd what would i do in that situation!?” and it freaks me out to no end…and…something i..will probably end up going into in more detail eventually but not right now because it’s depressing and morbid HAHA!! My rather major fear/phobia of like…dying..yeah..i’ll stop right there because i don’t want to be depressing hahah!!
• But i’ve thought about it a lot it probably adds to my anxiety quite a lot..not sure where it came from..not that…in a sense it’s not fairly rational…

ANYWAY!!

Hair is in need of drying, it’s all curly and damp right now haha and soon it will dry very wavy and mad if i don’t see to it myself!! xD

Plus, i need to do some coursework to make up for the fun evenings i’m having this week!!

• Went out for a meal with family friends last night, i think my stomach goes into self concious mode when i’m eating out but..i think i did quite well and i wasn’t anxious or anything :) even if we did have a wait a while for a table i was really happy :)
• Going to see some more family friends tonight for a get together of people whilst they’re back from Uni :D
• Pub tomorrow night for friends birthday’s whilst they’re back from Uni :D

Farewell x

Day 265

Happy April! :D Well…i suppose yesterday was happy April…

April fools yesterday! Anyone witness anything good? I never even attempt these things i’m such a terrible liar, i saw someone on twitter tell their mum they were pregnant and there mum went on to then believe them and want them to keep it…hahaa!! I also saw the bbc websites news as…

“Earth Explodes. No Survivors”

“Everyones dead.”

“We’re all dead.”

“I’m writing this from the afterlife”

HAHA!! So, yeah that works ;) But nothing else very interesting happened yesterday, i just did some coursework, which i should be continuing now but it’s very early. I’ve been feeling a bit rotten this morning but it’s starting to go because i’m relaxing a bit more, and i’m glad i recognised that’s all it is and my dad was still able to go over to his meeting without me being awkward about it haha!! Plus i don’t think he’s got much on for the rest of the day so! :D Yippeeee!!

Of the 6 pieces of coursework i have due in when i get back…i’ve almost finished one, and am half way through 2 others [one being the big one!] the other 3 i’ve not started yet…but i think i’m doing alright for the first week…i hope :/ *sigh* it’s not 3 weeks off is it!! haha!!

ANYWAY!

I’ve been meaning to share some happy songs with you!! Because i had my ipod in and they came on and reminded me of the fun that is Mika! :D

[Apologies if there’s something wrong with these songs, i’m on a computer without sound at the moment..but i hopefully shall pick decent videos xD]

Love Today – Mika

Relax – Mika [weirdly appropriate in a sense here…hahah xD]

We Are Golden – Mika [not actually heard this one in a while but i just remembered it :D]

Farewell x

Day 255

Hello :)

Sorry i’ve not posted that much exciting…i’m really just trying to get through this last week and just get to the easter holidays already!! 1 lecture to do in a couple of hours! Yey :)

Then i think i’m going to need to make some form of epic plan of when to do all my coursework or something, because jeeeez is there a lot!!

I’m sure posting will be fairly normal soon! xD I just need to be in one of those typing moods! :)

Loz text earlier with an invitation to the pub which i will hopefully take her up on! I haven’t been in a while, though i don’t really like it there on fridays it’s very crowded and horrible and VERY loud, i don’t understand what the pub people think they’re getting out of REALLY loud music, it’s just people sitting around tables, we’re supposed to be able to talk to eachother!!

Also, my dad actually does have that meeting he thought he had this week, next tuesday, but Sam suggested maybe we get pizza again like we did on Valentines Day :) So hopefully we’ll do that and my dad can go whilst we’re all at home :)

Also! The cinema is possibly taking place next Wednesday!! Plans plans plans xD

Farewell x

Day 253

Hey guys! :)

I hate to just use you guys for things like this, but our lecturer expects us to get a stupid amount of results for a questionnaire that we have created for our [also stupidly big ;)] assignment!! So i thought i would appeal to you for help as i’m looking for a variety where possible :), so i would be ever so grately if you could, if you want to of couse xD, possibly complete the questionnaire for me :)!!

It’s mostly based around watching films and going to the cinema [bit of a hypocrit moment for me there xD] but there’s just 10 questions, really short, doesn’t require lengthy answers [i only just decided against an essay question xD!!…of course i’m kidding..i would never put people through that pain] and took me about 2-3 minutes to complete myself :)

Here :)!!

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/JHDXKXQ

Thank you thank you!!

Oh and between you and me, if you have any trouble with the questions, a made up response is better than nothing haha!! ;)

Farewell x

P.S If you find any problems with it..please please do let me know so i can fix it :)!! xx

P.P.S I don’t know what kind of anxiety this is…but i get sooo nervous sending out these things, like it’s the biggest deal in the world!! xD I think it’s anticipation of embarassment, like it’s going to sound really stupid or just generally be terrible or something, i get it when about to make a phone call or send an email or anything…haha fear of being judged maybe and hence embarassed…so…you should know i have butterflies now!! HAHA!! xD

Day 251

Aloha!

So i’m currently in the process of finishing off my last piece of coursework that i have to hand in before the Easter holidays!! Yey!! Though, i have PLENTY to do over that holidays..but..lets just..not think about that right now xD

I have a few things regarding anxiety to share with you!! :)

Today:

• Firstly, it really needs to get warmer!! It always seems to be the cold days when my dad is in the port and i choose to go over to the shops, over the scary road! Haha..roads clearly are a problem with me xD
• But i went over to the shops which was good!!
• Unfortunately..there aren’t many shops worth going into within the sort of..range i can manage…not even in the sort of..slightly out of comfort [mostly because it’s all uncomfortable anyway] haha but if it was just a little stretch to get to them..i might do it..but jeez..they’re all miles away xD
• I was hoping Gilly [family friend] might have been at work in the offices next to where my dad was so i could go over and around with her maybe for lunch or something, but she wasn’t in today :( But maybe another time, considering the first time i did that with her it was such a huge deal!! And now the idea of it is quite comfortable with me :)
• I went into the shop with the neverending queue…to find there was no queue..i got excited and thought “2 people on the tills..1 person there at the moment..room for me! :D” now..i’m all taking my time deciding on what chocolate i want xD ..and another person comes in and walks past me to the other person at the till. So i think “that’s fine…it’s only 1 person..and surely the other person is almost done now”. Well. You know those people who just go into a shop to chat to the people behind the tills?
• OHHH GAWD!
• She just kept talking..the girl behind the till is being polite as possible but also with the look to me of “i know..” haha!! The other person who just went past me wasn’t much better, so i was standing there just like “someone…finish paying..please” then i took a minute to think how weird it would look if i just dropped my sweets and ran for it LOL!!! There was a serious couple of seconds where my brain said (rather convincingly) “you are so gonna panic right now..like you’re not even going to be able to hold it back..it’s gonna happen..”
• So i mentally told myself to shut up and practically ran to the till when it became free. I felt much better once i paid, but i got out there quickly haha!! I think it was the “i’m stuck here now until i pay” which isn’t true of course..but that’s what it feels like when you’re in a queue :P!!

I’m in such a good mood that i’m finishing this coursework off!! I’m dancing a bit too much like a maniac… to this :D

Tonight’s the Night – John Barrowman [i think it’s originally by Rod Stewart or something..but it’s a funky version i love it :D]

Another thing!!

• The roadworks around Uni are FINALLY over!!
• My dad has a meeting at 9.40 tomorrow and he said it’s only due to last 20 minutes so hopefully i’ll be able to stay at Uni whilst he’s doing that :)
• It’s good because it’s just before the end of my first lecture, and then i have nothing until 10.30 so i hang with my mates and we buy chocolate and usually hand coursework in too, which i’ll be doing tomorrow i’m sure xD

ALSO! Other scary plans are being put into place :O!

• So i was like “dad..would you go over to the shops whilst i was in the cinema sometime?” I thought i’d put it out there, it’s step between him being at home whilst i’m at the cinema [much further away than i’m good with at the moment from home :/] but also, he’s not actually in the cinema with me..which i think will be good..and i also think it’s a step towards one of those new years goals i had :D
• There’s a film coming out by the makers of Wallace and Gromit…errrm…”The Pirate’s in an Adventure with Scientists” i THINK…it’s called something else in America..something with Band of Misfits in it..so..whichever one…
• So when i saw who was making it i thought “OH this will be good..it’ll be short..and it will be funny and light-hearted!” And it’s got loads of awesome people in it :D David Tennant, Martin Freeman…woop :D Even if it is just their voices xD
• Short is good because, it’s my first try and i would hate to be stuck there for a big long film xD it’s 88 minutes i think..so..with adverts and things..just over and hour and a half :) Which..when i think about it, as about the length of a 2 hour lecture of mine at the moment..
• The last thing i want is a 3 hour long dark scary film xD!!! So it seems good!
• I mentioned it to Charlie..she seems game :D it comes out on the 28th i think..a week on Wednesday :)!!
• I should probably ask some other people too..just because..i’d hate to run out and leave Charlie on her own in the cinema HAHA!!

I mentioned it to my dad and was even more pleased..

I know i’m making a good step when he goes “ohh that would be good!” haha xD So i feel even more like i want to do it…

So i don’t know when we’ll go yet but…the fact i even thought about it should say something i hope!! :)

Farewell x

Day 239

You know that feeling when you’d rather do ANYTHING but what you’re supposed to do…

I’ve just drawn a biro mustache on myself..then rubbed it off…clearly i’m procrastinating HARD! haha!! xD I’ve done lots of coursework today i’m quite proud of myself!! Though, now i’ve had to come on my laptop to use a computer program to do some more of it…and with having wireless..my internet comes on by itself now without plugging in the cable..so of course i’m majorly distracted! xD!! Oh well..i’ll just have to have more self control!!

Anyway..back to my work ;)

Farewell x

Day 238

Howdy earthlings :)

I’m once again having trouble seeing past my fringe..what is it with this thing…GROWS FOREVER.

Oh..that picture is sooo attractive xD!

Well..i think i have had a good day today!! I shall go on to explain why…is it weird that i think the fact that i felt worse makes it a better day?? :P I mean..more successful…because…of course i love feeling completely fine when i’m completing anxiety tasks…but i think that feeling bad and getting through it today, made me feel good because it was getting through bad things..which gives me more confidence that if it happened again..i could get through it. Anyway…i shall explain :)

• My dad went to a meeting this morning whilst i was at Uni..it wasn’t too far and he showed me where it was so i was happy for him to go..:)
• I spent my first lecture feeling quite uncomfortable..but he wasn’t leaving until that lecture ended so i think it was mostly anticipation..you know like “wow! just get it over and done with already!!” hahaa and then when he went i was alright ’cause i was handing in coursework and eating food with my friends haha xD
• Lordy was i full of anxiety adreneline for a good half an hour…seemed longer hahah!! i was full of “ohh frikkin’ bloody..grrrrr!” hahahah. BUT i said to my dad later on i would rather feel breathless and panicked..than sick. I can’t handle feeling sick half as well! And time just seemed to be going SO slowly..i very nearly texted my dad 2 or 3 times to ask him to come back but i just kept thinking “you can’t do this all the time..it’s not long..just try and keep going” i was exhausted afterwards hahaah but i know it could have been much worse. :)
• A couple of times i considered just going out of the room to collect myself. Just because..you know when you’re anxious and you just can’t get your head out of the environment that you’re in and you think it’s not helping. Well we got coursework in for 2 weeks time..which is really short notice and takes away my nice week without a deadline!! So that didn’t help at all..and then having to concentrate and do work it was just like GAH! But..there was a couple of funny moments that chilled me out such as my lecturer going “so….say i’m going from home to the pub..and i’m drunk..” HAHA surely that’s the wrong way round? xD

And also this evening!!

I went to Charlie’s whilst my dad was at a meeting..without even a hint of anxiety :D considering i had to wait for charlie to actually show up..though some other members of her family were there :) and i was preoccupied by an extremely mad dog!! hahah :D she’s lovely though!!

Happy days :)

Farewell x

 

Day 228

A bit annoyed today. I wanted to do a fair bit of a piece of my coursework that i hadn’t started yet. I started it whilst watching house but my body decided to be in super sensitive stress mode, though i think it started in the shower..though it wasn’t the shower causing it..i think it was just me using my time in their to think about unpractical things hahaha xD But anyway, whenever i tried to do more coursework i’d feel all icky and stressy. And now i feel a bit like a pig because…strangely…when i eat some things it made me feel a bit better to have lunch and stuff…it either relaxes me..or just makes me feel like icky haha..either way i feel like i have to restrain myself from devouring the entire house HAHA!!

Farewell x