Day 600

Day 600 eh wooooo!!

Well..i don’t wish to jinx it but i have had a fairly lovely week!! Fairly small amounts of anxiety throughout i was in every lecture at Uni and i even went to winsford with my dad with only a little bit of anxiety for a while and we’ve not been there for AGES! And it’s about 30-40 minutes away! I hope it continues i’m trying to keep it that way…

I mean i was stressed this week a lot because of coursework so maybe i’m just knackered hahah but it’s been nice!

I think the thing i’ve had at the back of my mind this week was something i discussed in councelling last week and it stuck in my head..

We got back to talking about me going to see the Hobbit and how it wasn’t that comfortable and i was really anxious about it but i wanted to see it SO much that i went anyway. So she started talking about “willingness” and it sort of goes along with the whole idea of accepting the anxiety and trying to let it go that we’ve been talking about for the majority of the time.

She was saying it was good that i’d gone “..i accept this is probably going to be uncomfortable and i’m anxious about it..but it’s important to me and i want to do it so much that i’m doing it anyway”

And in a way…this is easier to do than getting into the situation and THEN accepting it..

Because i seem to have the sort of mind set that i’m constantly expecting anxiety and therefore it always happens because i’m practically looking for it…but to go “well..this probably isn’t going to be completely comfortable…but i want to do it anyway and just deal with it..i can do that” has actually had an amazing effect this week. I mean it may not be that..it may just be…a good week for no particular reason HAHA but i like to think that had something to do with it!

Because i thought..yeah..the hobbit is like..a huge deal for me..but if i can think that way for something because i want to do it so much…surely i can learn to think that way about doing things in general?

I don’t know what next week will bring but we’ll see how it goes :) It’s been lovely to have a week where i’ve been generally more relaxed about things…

Monday aside..which was an argument with the father…but…in the past :D

Just had a long phone convo with Anna!! If i ever need to think of a plus side to my anxiety it’s that i never would have met a fair few people if i hadn’t gone through it…herself included! <3

 

That’s me pulling a slightly manic face whilst on the phone before :’)

Check out Anna’s blog by the way!! I hope she doesn’t mind me saying this here :’)

inmyownlittlebubble

Farewell x

Day 387

Hey :) Sorry the posts aren’t often, i’m not in a very typing kind of mood lately haha!! Tell you what i can talk about though, i had my friends over last night and we had pizza, and then we watched the Lion King and Tangled until almost 1am which was loads of fun!!

I don’t get annoyed that my friends do things without me, and to be fair, they don’t often, and i’m almost always asked to go even though they know i’ll probably say no which is really nice of them, but it sometimes it really upsets me how much i can’t see them. I mean, it would pretty much [at the moment] involve them coming to see me you know? and as much as i’d love to gather them all to my house everyday haha things just don’t work like that, and it really is fine, especially when i talk to them a lot on line [thank goodness for skype and twitter xD].

But sometimes there are just those moments when it’s a combination of…i’ve been doing nothing but sitting at home, people have just generally all been doing their own thing [which is in no way a bad thing, i keep feeling like i’m coming off as mean but none of this is said in a bad way..just the way things work xD] and i just have moments of feeling really lonely..

I know it’s a bit of a downer….

I love my dad, i really do and we get on really well, but he’s the only person i see some days, even my Nan coming round once a week is a relief of having someone to tell things too [because usually my dad was there when it happened xD and if not, i’ve already told him, or..he’s not that interested xD] but there are just times when you need to be around friends…and every now and again it can get to me..which is why i gathered them all together to visit me yesterday :D and it was super fun!!

I know it’s just from being off Uni, when i was at Uni, obviously i would see people in lectures and things and that broke everything up for me and was great, now sitting at home is taking it’s toll a bit and it’s feeling a bit like it was this time last year. But at least i understand that that’s the deal with it and that’s why i feel like it sometimes…

Hmm..good job i don’t mind being in my own company sometimes eh :)

Plus, i know everyone says talking to strangers on the internet is scary and mad and dangerous, but honestly, i don’t know where i’d be if i didn’t come on here and share my excitement or feelings or generally everything on here with people, especially people in the same boat :) and i’m thankful for it!! :D

Farewell x

P.S …i can’t believe i’m ill…i’m getting a cold…my nose is stuffed!! One of my friends had a cold when they came round last night, i blame them xD just kidding..i love them it was worth it to see them <3

Day 342

Finally seeing my friends tomorrow! They’ve all been on holidays or busy or what not and it’s been lovely having a week of doing nothing but i’m starting to be like “okay i need human contact” hahaha xD  A group of us are having pizza tomorrow yey :D

I really need to get my sleeping pattern back in order…i’m really tired right now and it’s half 6 in the evening..i mean what? haha i keep getting up late so i’m not as tired when i go to bed or something, but i don’t see how that works out because i’m tired now! xD

It’s weird trying to get back into the anxiety fighting mind-set, especially with not having Uni and my dad at work to use as things, but i’ve taken letters to the post box twice this week and i took the super long way each time i did it which was good i guess :P and i walked to the mound again today, a sort of..field area around the corner or so from my house..it probably shouldn’t have been as difficult as it was but i guess i haven’t done anything like that in a while :) Happy i made myself do it though!! :)

Farewell x

 

Day 219

So, i made that pretty flower on Valentines Day morning whilst making slightly different versions of pretty flowers for my friends who i got pizza with in the afternoon :D Great fun!!

Well-a-ty Well-a-ty [not sure how that word is supposed to sound…i imagine it…well-i-tee..like…a longer version of..well..anyway..probably more trouble than it’s worth xD] have i had a very successful day today if i do say so myself!!

• Charlie invited a few of a us round this afternoon, it’s been planned for a while and the object was to see Tash and Emma before Tash goes back to Uni. I told my dad and he was like “well that’s good that you’re going” ’cause Charlie’s mum and dad were both at work, and strangely i usually feel better if there’s like…adults and things around..i don’t know why..but basically they weren’t and i was perfectly happy to go!!
• I actually ended up staying for 5 hours!! :| Considering for about 45 minutes it was just me and Charlie…and i think back to a year ago and i wasn’t even very happy in that situation then!! Then it was Charlie, Tash and me for a while..then Emma came :D
• We had lunch there..which considering all the anxiety provoking things that were going on already, was quite an achievement that i happy sat around eating things…for some reason it’s a bit of an issue when i’m in anxious situations so i tend not to eat or drink very much for fear of making myself feel worse..but i actually ate like a normal person!! haha!!
• We played ‘Just Dance 3’…if anyone doesn’t know what that is….it’s a dancing game that claims to be all good fun and the adverts make it look really easy but..it’s pretty much heart attack inducing HAHAHA!! It is for me anyway!! I’m SOOO unfit and i get out of breath doing nothing…so i was actually a bit anxious before we started playing it..because i know that when i get really out of breath my heart goes crazy and i sometimes feel a bit icky…so…considering 1. i was at charlies 2. i was there just with my friends 3. i had just scoffed down a fairly filling lunch …i think i did quite well to dance around the room like a maniac…i knew not to go over the top but i still had fun :D

I had a really really good time :D!!!

Getting through my coursework fairly well…REALLY need to sort out my lecture notes though..i finally got more plastic wallets to put them in!! Haha!! xD

Farewell x

Day 216

Quick post!! :D I am just burried under piles of coursework right now..but i suppose at least it means i’m getting somewhere with it!!

It’s Valentines Day tomorrow!! Awww get ready for all the mushy lovey stuff :D I actually love Valentines Day even though i’ve always been alone xD!! I don’t believe in hating Valentines Day just because you’re single!! I love love, and the idea of love and it should be celebrated :D And i’ll be seeing my friends..whom i love :D so we’re all winners :D!!

I hope you all have a lovely time :D I’m sure I will! I’ll be enjoying my week off from uni..or as i like to call it “catch-up-on-coursework-week” haha!!

:)

Farewell x

Day 184

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO CHARLIE!! :) [One of my friends…of course…she’s probably been mentioned a fair few times…don’t worry Charl (if you ever read this) nothing bad at all ;)]

Sorry that my posts all look so boring, i’ve been in my dads office for a lot of it..don’t have my laptop camera…haha xD

I looked at the calendar where my dad had transfered dates over like birthdays and things which he does each time we get a new calendar..he puts the age of people next to them aswell…and well…as he knows i have a bit of a celeb obsession with one Orlando Bloom [tehe..come on..he’s lovely xD <3] his birthday is..tomorrow [friday the 13th…uh…] and my dad went and put (93) under his name…i was like “oh dad..you’re hilarious”. He came down and i told him i liked the estimated age he added on and he was like “…was i close?” haha!! 35 for those who are interested…xD

ANYWAY. I’m in a rather jolly mood, because i’m half an hour into my dad being over at HQ whilst i’m in his office like yesterday, and i feel SO much more comfortable than yesterday. Yesterday i was holding off panics for the whole time..eew. And..even though my dad has either..not text me to tell me which part of the building he is in..or my phone signal is awful..i’m finding that…i can force myself not to dwell on it..because it’s okay..and so am i….

Ah..speak of it..he just text me haha!!!

Some small successes of the day for me :D

• Basically surviving my lectures..i had a couple of off moments in them..but all turned out okay in the end :)
• Usually my dad and i leave Uni during my gaps between lectures..but it was only an hour today so we stayed and i had lunch with him and then i went back to my friends a bit earlier..so it was nice to experience that. To be fair, it’s not that…i don’t want to stay with my friends..because i would..it’s that i don’t want to just leave my dad sitting around, because if i leave and come with him, at least he can do what he wants and i feel less bad about making him wait, but today since we were staying anyway and there wasn’t long left :) It was all good!
• This isn’t anxiety related but..got some coursework back with a mark 55/60 woot woot! i thought it would have been much worse than that!!
• My dad said he was going to get the car and bring it round to meet me after my last lecture so we could leave quickly. Well we actually had a really quick lecture and i ended up leaving as he was telling me he was going to get it from the other side of campus. I thought i might just be able to meet him, but when i got there i sort of realised it would be a wasted effort to try and follow..as by the time i got to the car he’d be where i was waiting. I knew i could only wait and i said bye to Sam as she was going home, and i had this strange reminder of a huge panic attack i had last February, when my friends got picked up from a meal out and i was waiting alone for my dad..i knew he wouldn’t be long and thought i’d be okay, but it was one of those moments where people leave and you immediately regret it…i had to phone my friends who had just left and make them talk to me whilst i was waiting, luckily they told me they saw my dad driving so he was there quick…but i just had the same sort of…deja vu feeling, but despite that..i knew the situation was completely different and i could distract myself long enough. I was in Uni with lots of people, not at a bus stop a bit out of the way…before i could even get worried he appeared anyway so :) But i think in a way, feeling the improvement in my thought process was a success for me!!
• Also!! Had a strange moment in my last lecture where i was thinking and i became like..really aware of my heartbeat, which usually happens in a panic, so i sort of worried a bit then i was like “you only have 15 minutes left..you can just…not think about it..there’s no point in getting yourself worked up because you know it’s nothing…” and i actually managed to distract myself from it fairly easily..quite odd but..good :D
• Oh yes!! And later,goodness knows how long for but i’m going out to the pub again tonight for Charlie’s birthday!! I know it seems like it’s all i ever do..but of course the more you do it..the more confident you will get about it :) and it’s still a push for me, it’s still not easy..so yey :) this will be the…5th time i think since i started doing it again :) woop!!

Just some small things that i’m happy about today!! Haha!!

Woah honestly my stomach just made THE strangest noise….o.O Possibly hungry….haha!!

Farewell x

Day 182

So if i’m really good later and finish off the 2 pieces of coursework that today are my mission to finish [basically need to correct like…2 questions..] then hopefully i shall finish the drawing i started the other day :D And if i’m really lucky, i may go on my Wii!! I love rewarding my own work xD haha!!!

This morning was good in Uni actually. Quite relaxed..first was only an hour lecture, and we were just going through coursework…18/20 bazinga! ;) All that work for 20 marks…ridiculous..but still…was worth a fair bit of the module so …happy with my result ;).

2nd lecture a 2 hour with a lot of repeating from previous lectures..[and in my case…school] i know it’s not the same for everyone but..there was a lot of sitting around whilst our lecturer was going through everyone very slowly…

On another note…

I can’t wait until the weather gets nicer. I’ll be so much more willing to go out walking places if i know i’ll enjoy it, i’ve got a horrible feeling of being stuck at the moment, like i’m not moving forward with this anxiety and stuff, i have moments where i get really frustrated with myself that i’m still dragging my dad around after like a year of doing it already and sometimes i sit and think “wow it’s just not getting any better!!” But to be fair to myself…that’s not totally true….as i’ve said to myself many times before..i can’t go pushing things if i’m not comfortable with smaller things still. I’ll just end up falling on my face!!

• I’m just going back to Uni and have to accept it will take the first few days to get back into the swing of things.
• It’s not like i’ve stopped doing the things i started doing, apart from worrying a bit about my dad going to the office yesterday..it was my first day at uni and i felt ill anyway….
• i still walked to the tower building [again today]
• stayed in lectures..
• have been to charlie’s…
• have been to the pub…
• walked further from home than ever just before Christmas…

Also!! Wanted to give a shout out to my friends [not that they know my blog exists…] but they were all so lovely and supportive at the pub the other night :) I’m open with them and they understand as much as they can and they accept i can’t always do things with them, and i accept that its okay that i can’t do everything but they can still enjoy themselves :) <3 Loves to them all :D

May be back ;)

Farewell x

Day 178

Hellooooo bloggies!! Well lets see how things are going ;)

• Woo for the pub last night!! I thought there was only going to be a couple of us, and that was okay :) But then i showed up and there was quite a lot more people than i thought which made it nice :) Also!! i saw someone i haven’t seen since like…August! As they were back from Uni and there with other people :D At the pub i was never like…completely comfortable…but i stayed for an hour and a half :D Even though i would have felt more comfortable leaving quite a bit sooner than that so :D yey haha!!
• Okay! so i have this thing with my dads phone [dad being my safe person…] sometimes when i ring it goes to voicemail like..over and over again..i think it’s signal related..well it happened last night but i could ring my house then because i knew he was at home…it made it much harder to let him go across to the HQ building this morning but..DOING IT…fingers crossed :D Honestly..i will walk over there if it came to it …unless i panic and freeze half way there..haha! see..i’m having a bit of a negative thought morning like that..but…*positive thoughts are in there somewhere* :)
• Later when we’re in the Port, i’m hoping to see [weather permitting..] if i can go from the offices where my dad will be over the road to where the shops are. If i can’t alone, i may be meeting up with a friend anyway so i could see if that makes a difference :) It’s actually quite sunny at the moment but it’s set to get a bit soggy. But i can deal with drizzle..i just don’t want any more super cold wind and horizontal rain!!! xD

Okay blog, i’m going to use you to help me with my current situation. I was living in negative though city this morning, rather disheartening..but here’s all the reasons..why i have nothing to worry about!!

• Okay, so dad didn’t pick up his phone yesterday…yeah it happens..nobody says it’s definitely going to happen today though!!
• Who says you’re even going to have to ring him!! Have you ever got into a big state whilst you’ve been here?? No…you’ve been here for much longer than it’s going to be this time too!
• So…i have the number of about 5 other people over in that meeting…surely someone will answer the phone!! [haha it’s not weird..they’re people i know..and my dad works with a lot…]
• If i freaked out..there’s like 4 people here with me, who i’m sure aren’t going anywhere because it’s not near to lunch time, and they’re all really lovely so..if i freaked..i’m sure they’d be happy to help!!
• If i scooch over to the left a little *scooches* I can see the building he’s in!! Yeah it might take a few minutes to get over there, but if i had to..i would!!
• I’ve become uncomfortable but i haven’t had a full blown scary panic attack in ages!! I don’t know why i still expect them so much!! [I suppose it’s because i know i’m pushing myself which i haven’t been doing as much before..] but yeah!!
• I brough nail varnish with me :D Cue the distraction, very excited to get that under way soon hopefully :D
• Plus, mega issue, i’m obviously SO much happier and more comfortale here at the computer in the lovely cosy office than i am over in that horrible HQ building. I used to really like it but…no..i’ve gone off it. Time will go quicker here!!

Erm..i was going to type something else but..it’s completely gone out of my mind. Someone else has shown up in this part of the office, who i’m really comfortable with so things are a bit less awkward now :) Generally helps with stuff yey :)

Since my fun Mario post the other day, i’m considering a similar Lord of th Rings based one [as it’s like..my favourite thing in the world <3] if i ever have to sit here for a long time again and need something to do :D…all this Mario stuff made me really want to restart a game i have..but i’m scared i’d just forget my life and Uni work HAHA!!! I don’t even know if i can restart..i’d never risk loosing everything i’ve completed!! But if there’s a separate profile or something…okay i’ll shut up now xD

Farewell x

Day 159 (2)

Christmas Catch-up!! Skipping the random facts at the moment because in a little bit of a rush haha!!

12 Days of Christmas Challenge

5th Day of Christmas: December 17th

A Christmas Clip

F.r.i.e.n.d.s – Phoebes Christmas Song [Minor language at the start..] [i LOVE LOVE LOVE this!! Joey’s face when she sings his section, and it’s really catchy too..not good if you’re singing the last line though…]

A Christmas Song

Blue Christmas – Michael Buble [Not really heard this before, orginally an Elvis song i think, tis quite catchy in a sense considering it’s not THAT up beat..just pressed play on youtube and scared my cat xD}

Something Christmas Related I Did Today:

Wow, i wrapped…SO many presents…and we went shopping and got the last of our gifts i think :D Christmas workshop going on in my house!!

6th Day of Christmas: December 18th

A Christmas Clip

The Grinch [Jim Carrey] checks his messages [My friend quoted his outgoing message on twitter the other day, i found it hilarious!!]

A Christmas Song

Run Run Rudolph – Chuck Berry [This song was on Home Alone and it’s what i always associate it with :D and it’s really upbeat and fun :D]

Something Christmas Related I Did Today:

Wrapped many more presents, wrote MANY more cards [licking envelopes..euughh…] and my dad also put the christmas lights up outside our house YEY :D And, we also made plans for our christmas dinner and when we’re going to have it and things :D exciting!!

Oh and my..posts have been looking a little boring so..here’s a picture of me eating a gingerbread cookie shaped like santa’s face :D

Farewell x

Day 157 (2)

Okay!! To force myself not to type forever i’m going to bullet point some progress made :D

Wednesday:

• I’ve probably said this already but i stayed home with my Nan on Wednesday whilst my dad went into town for a meeting for about an hour which was good :) Nice too!

Yesterday [Thursday]:

• Well i did want to try and walk up to the tower building at Uni by myself to make up for my dad not going anywhere in the morning, so i sorta did that but in the end i didn’t because i met my friends, so it wasn’t much different..but..through no fault of mine of course xD

Today [Friday]:

• Firstly, sigh, i was going to stay at Uni for 2 hours myself this morning whilst my dad had a meeting, this was because i wasn’t even going to, but thinking about it i told my dad i wanted to at least try and he said it would be really good :) So i was getting all prepared for this, and the main thing was, that i WAS going to do it, though with all the snow today, my lecturer got stuck and didn’t make our lecture, which sent me into a bit of a worry just because i hate sudden situations i’m not prepared for…especially when i was anxious anyway. So i basically called my dad and he came back to get me, but i think the important thing is..i was going to do it. The reason i went with my dad, is that i relied on being distracted by the maths in the lectures, i couldn’t just sit there thinking about myself for an hour.
• Also, this moment where my dad came was kinda good i guess, because i’ve not had to wait for my dad to come to Uni yet, and usually that’s a bad bit for me because i know my dad can’t be going any quicker and all i have to do is wait..but it went really well :)
• Then i went back for my 3rd lecture after my dad’s meeting, and i walked to and up the tower block by myself :D i’m happy i’m getting into doing it because it would really make me feel better that i can do that if we’re a little bit late or something. Bit strange for me to do something like that on the last day before 3 weeks off at Christmas, but still :D
• Went to the pub today again :D was there for 2 hours feeling fairly comfortable :D longest i’ve ever been there for lately and it was SO nice to see everyone whose come back from Uni, i was explainin to people that i was okay but then once something sort of gets to you it’s hard to feel comfortable again so that’s when i decided it was time for me to go :) But as one of my friends said at least i know when i feel like that and things, which is important, i push myself but i don’t let things get out of hand :)

Phew…hopefully my dad will set up the wireless internet soon :D Excited about that! John Barrowman is on TV soon! Very excited! And i’m off for Christmas now YEY! This weekend going to do lots of Christmas stuff and got Charlie’s house on Monday night to see people too :D

Farewell x