Day 760

August 8, 2013

ARRGH

I’m sorry i’ve not updated in such a long time! I’m strange with blogging i usually have so many intentions to start an entry and then i’m suddenly like “ugh…nah i’ll do it later” hahah i enjoy it but it’s a lot of effort xD!!

i shall fire off some info in quick succession!

  • I WENT TO COMIC CON!! Okay, by went..i mean..the important part was we got to Manchester happily and we did! We parked for 4 hours thinking “that’s a pretty long time”…..we would have been queuing that WHOLE time! We saw the size of the queue and just thought…..standing in that all day is just..nope. BUT there were so many people dressed up and so much going on outside..we stayed for about 2 hours anyway just taking photos and met up with my friends for a bit and then dad and me walked into the town a bit to get lunch. But as i say..the main part was actually going and getting to Manchester! Dad said he even quite enjoyed the drive!
  • Been at work for 2 (well almost 3 now) weeks :D it’s great! Much fun! Do 3 days a week at the moment – nice amount of time off!
  • Tuesday afternoon wasn’t great..my dad had this meeting somewhere i really hate being..last time we were only there 30 minutes and it was horrible! This time it was supposed to be much longer. It went on about an hour and a half which was when there was supposed to be a break and we would likely leave. I wasn’t feeling good at all but i thought i’ll have to make myself at least try and last until i know they’re coming out…once i’d made it there and a bit past it…i was asking around and it turned out they were about 40 minutes behind which clearly just made everything worse. I thought ‘i’ve been pushing this to reach this stage i can hardly last much longer’. Really crappy signal in that building so no luck in attempting to subtly get hold of my dad..in the end i walked in there and asked him to leave (which bumped up the anxiety loads! Hi room full of strangers staring at me as i walk in when i’m already feeling rubbish as it is..just gonna weave me way through you all thanks!..felt really bad about it afterwards but it really did reach a point of..this is going to be worse and worse until we’re out of here!
  • Today and yesterday have been interesting..my dad and me and one of our friends have been helping another friend move house!..Well for a tiny house she sure has a lot of stuff. I’d already had a really horrible time of it tuesday afternoon and yesterday we had to get up really early..hire a van!! Which pulled me out of my little car comfort zone for a little while and the first rides going to get it and coming back home where a bit dodgy, i got stressed out a bit but i did eventually get used to it.
  • We went about 25/30 minutes away (which is bad enough for a short trip) to then spend hours packing everything in the van! It was really hot and i had NO appetite whatsoever because i was anxious! It was horrible mostly because i knew there was no option to really go “yeah i’ve had enough of this lets go home” for pretty much the day. We found out we couldn’t even get everything in in one go! Once it was all packed we had to drive back past home..then off to about 15 minutes in the other direction where she moved in. I thought this was going to be the worse part because it was doing everything ALL over again, but by then i think the anxiety had peaked a bit and at least flatlined for a while, i wasn’t completely relaxed but enough not to be feeling ill and dizzy like i had in the morning. Plus she was moving into a first floor flat, lots of stair climbing involved (but thankfully not too much!) and it was a really cute area so it helped keep things a bit calmer!
  • Then we had to go ALLLL the way back (after a quick stop off at home for a massive drink!)
  • We packed the 2nd lot and everyone was just getting worn out it was about 8pm by this time, nobody was upbeat any more and i thought..well everyones thinking it i’ll just be the one to say it…i can’t do this all again at the other end! I was shattered and starting to feel really ill again and plus i had only been nibbling at things all day on account of no appetite so there was just no energy there.
  • We agreed..we’d be back this morning to unpack the remaining stuff (which luckily was noting essential!) which was did! It was much better, everyone refreshed (i got home last night…scoffed lots of food..then went to bed haha! crashed out!) and it didn’t take that long either, plus it being about 8am when we got there (yeah..i’m gonna sleep the whole weekend!) it was still nice and cool!

Anyway, that’s probably sort of about it! It’s been a bit mad..ups and downs but! :) Hope you’re all okay out there!

Farewell x

 

 

 

 

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Day 737

July 16, 2013

So after a good few weeks off from doing my placement i’m finally getting into the stages of going back! I spent this whole time thinking yeah i can go back do some volunteering and it’ll be good for my CV.

Turns out they want to pay me?! I So this is like…..an actual job. For about 8 weeks half time i’m sort of going for because…in the least ungrateful sounding way possible..i don’t want my holiday from uni to be just work xD so half time is brilliant! it’ll give me something to do and make sure i don’t become a hermit again.

But wow..me…an actual job?! This is brilliant because it’s great to get some paid work under my belt for the future..and with my anxiety and things it’s almost impossible to get a job flexible and comfortable enough for me but this is pretty much perfect! Gosh i’m excited i feel like a proper adult!!

(she says when she’s almost 21…)

Hehe so! That starts Monday i think!!

Speaking of Uni, i got my results the other week! Somehow managed to pass second year with a first :D!! I got a first in all of my maths modules (just about) which is just…i don’t even know how that happened! I didn’t in work based learning but i knew 100% that was going to be my worst mark and they drop your worst mark in the second year :) So i’m made up with that!!

Hope you’re all happy and lovely :) It’s hugely hot here at the moment…UK is not used to this heat wave!! (it’s not even that hot….we just haven’t had any nice sunny days for more than half a day at a time for the entire of 2013!! hahah)

Farewell x

Day 728

July 7, 2013

Well!! I have just witnessed the wonderful Andy Murray WINNING Wimbledon! Wow!!

Tell you what i’m feeling a bit dodgy today but this makes up for it!! The last game of the match it kept going to deuce and back and forth and at one point honestly my anxiety just kicked off because of the anticipation! haha! i was so nervous!! I had to force myself into breathing techniques because it was making me uncomfortable and i didn’t want it to get out of control and it pretty much worked!!

I’m sorry i haven’t posted much!! Generally things have been pretty much the same!! I’ve done a few things which have generally gone better then expected, i don’t want to be in the house all the time so i happily go out even when i know i’ll feel a bit of anxiety because it’s better than being stuck at home and generally i feel better for it!

I’ve done a lot of reading The Hobbit whilst i’ve been out waiting for my dad and that’s helped a bunch!! But i finished that in the early hours of this morning so i’ll have to find something new to read now!! :D

7th of July is certainly turning into an interesting day!!

– Sir Arthur Conan Doyle died 7th of July 1930 (Author of Sherlock Holmes)

– Apparently also the Birthday of Holmes companion Dr John H Watson!! (I love him..fictional or not)

– Of course we sadly remember the devastating London bombings on 7th of July 2005 RIP to all victims

– It’s my cousins wedding anniversary…quite a random fact…

– 7th of July 2011 was the world premiere of the last Harry Potter film The Deathly Hallows Part 2

– I finished reading The Hobbit today!! Which was just an amazing experienced i LOVED it!!

Haha anyway…i need to lie down now after that tennis match!! xD Still don’t know what i’m going to do about comic-con Hm…

Farewell x

No Place To Hide

July 2, 2013

My teachers were a big part of helping when everything hit me! It’s super important they educate themselves in how to react etc. I know that it was an important deal for me! And especially as school and exams and A Levels etc. are so stressful these days, it’s certainly what i feel was the catalyst for my anxiety to finally make itself known in full force (it had always been sitting around but..) and i witnessed a few of my friends go through similar things!! Fab post Matt! Go check out his blog if you haven’t already!!!

itsoktotalk

Not here. Not over there. Not anywhere.

Ian Gilbert’s conference for teachers about mental health was an inspirational and empowering event, encompassed by first hand accounts from a teacher & students themselves. People who had suffered at the hands of mental health issues.

One of those speakers would take particular interest in the term “mental” due to the negative connotations it brings. Indeed, Nina Jackson has seen first hand what difficulties students face when suffering from a mental health issue. Her experience in Bridgend as a teacher is harrowing yet powerful. A detailed description of events which occurred in the small mining village in Wales left the room in stunned silence. It nearly moved people to tears, but it truly hit home what an impact hiding away can have on a person. It came at a terrible terrible price for those who suffered in silence from the stigma, but some…

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Day 713

June 22, 2013

So i’ve literally spent all day watching House and sitting on my laptop! But at least i’m not in my pj’s any more hahahah!

There’s been a bit of stuff, like kinda chesty arm pain stuff bit it’s not uncommon with anxiety eh, which is what i’m trying to remind my hypochondriac self right now! My agoraphobia sort of got thrown into the deep end i went to Liverpool 3 days in a row each time for about 2 and a half hours…i’ve been in sort of…constant but dull anxiety whilst i’ve been there, so like it’s been bearable but not nice, the 3rd day the anxiety was quite a bit nicer because i was focusing on the fact i’d woken up CRAZY light headed..like even when i lay down. I would have begged my dad not to go if it had stayed bad but it eased off slightly by the time we left so as long as i didn’t move around so much it wasn’t too bad!

Then had 2 days of not doing much, except for you ladies out there…i was immediately hit with our monthly joy, which was a bit of a theory behind my light-headedness actually because that’s happened before!! Except it was on the day not the day before and it was quite a bit worse!! I spoke to someone who said sometimes if they’ve been panicking a lot and therefore taking more shallow breaths it’s happened to them. I assumed that’s what it was! I eat and drink plenty and i’ve been light-headed whilst anxious a number of times!!

Today i feel like i should be doing more but in the end i don’t see why..yesterday i did something that was a big deal for me!! :)

It shouldn’t have felt like hard work but i went to my friends, she lives about 5 minutes away it was us and 2 others and we got pizza and talked and things. I’ve done that before there but not in a LONG time! So my dad going back home again whilst i was there was a big deal!! I was there for about 2 and a half hours and then rang me dad to get me, but we ended up both staying for about an hour more because we were all just chatting hahah!

But i’ve organised to watch a film with my dad later so i don’t feel like i’m having a totally anti-social day!

Honestly last night though, i was getting out of the car and saying bye to my dad and my ENTIRE body and brain were just like “wow you really do not want to do this take it back!!” But i did it :D

Farewell x

Day 705

June 14, 2013

Hey!! I’m sorry i’ve not been here for like 2 weeks! I handed in my last assignment of the year 2 days ago so this is the first chance i’ve had really! And now i don’t even know what to say, placement went really well! It was lots of fun! So much so in fact it seems they want me back for a bit over the summer if i’m around! I’m all for that :D Partly because last year i had 4 months of just sitting at home mostly and then this just made my agoraphobia worse because i rarely went out, so i CANNOT let that happen this year because by the time Uni came around i was awful! Going to uni was even hard and it was like i’d gone hugely backwards!

But there’s no danger of that yet! So chances are i’ll be popping in and out of town to do that some days, my dad wants to go to Liverpool a few times next week so that will be interesting! We went to dad’s friends which is sort of near Liverpool last night i was pretty much fine! I felt a bit ill but anxiety wise i was okay!

My friend had a going away party/BBQ/thing on Saturday and we were there for about 6 hours and it was brilliant! Lots of friends and people! Hardly even thought about anxiety i loved it! And considering my appetite goes a bit crazy when i’m out, the fact we were having to eat (and hey..i was hungry) was slightly awkward for a moment but i got through it quite comfortably!!

It’s been a little bit up and down the past couple of weeks, generally…things aren’t terrible which is nice because i hate it when it gets bad! If i was bad things like my dad’s friends and going to the bank today wouldn’t have been fun!

My dads been doing a bit of posting things in letterboxes for a campaign at the moment so i’ve been helping, yesterday was fine because it was the roads sort of near home and the weather was lovely! The day before saw me having an anxiety attack because we walked so far from where we were parked we were practically home!! It was the idea we had to walk all the way back before we could actually go home i think! But then it rained on us…which was surprisingly refreshing when you’re mid anxiety attack!

I think what i’m noticing a bit is …most of the time anyway…i get over things a bit quicker..like if i used to have an anxiety attack however small it would take me ages to recover..now it’s a bit easier…not if i have a big panic attack or anything but….

Anyway! I’m generally pretty good! :D A few nice days of relaxing now that i’ve handed all assignments in! But yes, definitely going to make sure i don’t just sit at home for 4 months like last year! And hey, i do WANT to do things! Still in 2 minds about comic-con but we’ve not really spoken about it since the initial idea! It’s over a month away so we’ll see! :D

Oh! To finish off here’s some gifts i got at the end of placement! I really didn’t deserve them i was only there for 5 weeks and THEY were the ones that gave me the placement for my compulsory module!! But they were all so lovely there, tiny little department but it was a good giggle! :D

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These are flowers and a thank you card :D!! I don’t think i’ve ever been given flowers in my life! (Gosh tell you what, i have a sort of…embarrassment anxiety thing, so i’m super SUPER awkward when people do things like..watch me open presents on my birthday..it feels AWFUL hahaha! It’s like my entire body cringes and i have to try not to show it! Don’t get me wrong i’m extremely happy and grateful i just hate people watching! xD)

2013-06-07 16.45.44 2013-06-07 16.58.34

Alright that first one wasn’t really a gift but on our last day there was only 3 of us in so one person got 3 of these…what i can only describe as strawberry MOUNTAINS xD and brought them in for us to eat!!

That bag has various chocolate things inside!! Which reminds me i really need to eat more of that soon! ;)

So as you can see i was ridiculously spoilt for a 5 week placement in which i surely CANNOT have been that useful! HAHA but there we go!!

Farewell x

 

Day 691

June 1, 2013

Just one week of placement left! Sorry i’m not posting much honestly am knackered like, all the time! I am right now! hahah!

Went to Liverpool today with my dad and Charlie tagged along this time! Good thing she did because we spent much longer there than usual so that was nice :)!! And it’s been nice weather today and yesterday which helped!

So here’s the thing, there’s a small possible maybe possibility that my dad and i might go to Comic Con in Manchester!

This came up because a couple of my friends are going with one of said friends brothers and they were talking about it and i was joking around saying “oh that’s so annoying why does my agoraphobia hate me you’ll have to take me around on skype or something!” xD

Now in all fairness Manchester isn’t..THAT far away it’s not the other side of the country or something, and i have been there once or twice whilst feeling like this. There’s just SO much like..(among other things)

  • Not a fan of motorways…..it’s about 30-40 minutes on the motorway
  • My dad’s agoraphobia is not as bad as mine for sure but when he’s driving Manchester is sort of where it gets a bit tough, he’d feel better if there was someone else in the car especially if they could drive, which i kinda hope we can get because, in a semi-selfish way but also for my dad, i’d feel a hell of a lot better if i knew he was more comfortable. He says it’s not essential but..
  • I mean good lord it’s a huge room CRAMMED full of people

But in a strange way…my dad and i have both said…it might be a good thing to do…combating agoraphobia and so forth..

I mean it’s like in the middle of July so we’ve got lots of time, and you can get tickets on the day so we’ve said there’s no like…we don’t HAVE to go or anything!

But eeek! I’m such a fangirl HAHAH! You know when you spend a lot of your life trying to find your little circle where you feel your interests sit comfortably and you think “yeah this is like..my thing”. Well i’m such a film and TV nerd for lack of a better word hahah!! I adore things like this! They have BIG comic cons in America where they have lots of the cast members from things and i love watching panels from those and hearing about them and seeing pictures and i’m in love with lots of the shows and films they take there!

I’d love to think i could experience something similar (albeit obviously a bit less of a HUGE deal because…little Manchester compared to San Diego or something but!)

I mean, my anxiety doesn’t like me going to the cinema but i saw the Hobbit twice (3 hours +) and i saw Star Trek recently (2+ hours) because i WANT to because i LOVE them!

And this is the thing i keep repeating, at counselling she said to me that i did it because i wanted to, i knew i was going to be anxious but i accepted it and i did it anyway. I basically need to learn to do this with everything in life, but i always made allowances for if things got hard etc. or if i had to leave, but anyway yes. It really clicked something in my brain that…i hadn’t even thought about it until she said that back to me i thought “that’s true, i was willing to deal with the anxiety to see the Hobbit because i wanted to see it so much…why can’t i do that with everything” so that’s honestly the thought i keep going back to and it helps heaps!

Basically my point is….if i’m going to try these things…what’s better than trying it to do something i would love?! If you’re going to find something that’s worth it then grab it with both hands eh?

As i say, we’re not saying we have to, it’s tough for both of us in the end so we’re not committing! We’ll see! But i’ll be sure to let you know :D

But here’s a song that’s been following me recently and i love it it’s super funky :D! I’ve no idea of the singer or the song name so i guess i’ll have to look it up to link it to you ;)

Thank goodness for youtube predicting what you want…

Robin Thick – Blurred Lines

;)

Farewell x

Day 683

May 23, 2013

Over half way through work placement!! And it’s going well! Even when i feel anxiety there i’ve been getting through it which is nice :D! Everyones so nice and fun there it’s a nice place to be even if it does drag sometimes! xD

Also, not this Sunday just gone the Sunday before, i went to the cinema to see Star Trek: Into Darkness!

IT’S SO GOOD! I fully recommend it!

I was a bit nervous about going to the cinema as always and there was the odd anxiety moment, but overall it was good! Which i think was particularly successful considering all the crazy mad action things going on (and that was just the trailers before the film!) as i’m sure if you’ve experienced it, you know how loud and overwhelming everything can seem when you feel anxious already!!

:)

Sorry this is a short one, being in work placement i’ve got no time in the day and by the time i get home i’m knackered! Hahah!

I will give you this song though that’s been cheering me up recently!

Wonder – Emeli Sande

Farewell x

Day 671

May 11, 2013

Right! Operation…get my brain back on the acceptance wagon..is..sort of a go!!!

I was trying to get my brain into gear of “feel the anxiety a bit..accept it and continue”…alright..it takes some practice and yeah it’s freakin’ hard! hahah and if the anxiety gets too much it’s kind of impossible but i went to Liverpool and shopping today and i was…generally okay for the day so :)! Yey!

COME ON BRAIN WORK WITH ME

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Work placement! One week down! 4 to go! It’s actually been really good :D I wont go into what i’ve been doing because it all sounds really boring hahaha yeah it’s not the most exciting thing in the world but i’ve actually quite enjoyed it! And i’ve been getting to know the people i work with and it’s really great :) So i hope this pattern continues!!

Now…

Cinema tomorrow!! For the first time since the Hobbit! I’m off to see Star Trek into Darkness! The second Star Trek film from JJ Abrams! Who is brilliant! :D Of course i would never go and see a film in the cinema i wasn’t going to enjoy just for one actor…but i’m SO VERY EXCITED to see the lovely Benedict Cumberbatch in this! He’s so brilliant gosh…he’s really brilliant….

So dad and i watched the first one last night in preparation!!

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You know, when i take photos..they’re a mirror image of what you see here..LOL flipped over is a less attractive light but hey ho!! xD!!

I hope it goes okay!..It’s a long film..i mean it’s shorter than the Hobbit xD But…i keep trying to remind myself..i like the cinema! And hey..it’s only me and my dad..and I SURVIVED 5 EXAMS THAT ARE LONGER THEN THE ENTIRE TIME I’M GOING TO BE IN THE SCREEN! So…fingers crossed! Yes..it won’t be perfect…but i will at least try it anyway…because it will be worth it…and i love it…

And this is where my brain kicks in and goes “why do you find it so easy to apply this to seeing films but not to things like..going to the shops by yourself”. Well..exactly..i don’t know..but i’d like to hope i can train my brain to think that way and then build confidence. Plus, i don’t love going to the shops, it’s easier to want to do something when you love it HAHA!

But my therapist said that to me when i told her the same thing about seeing the Hobbit, and that was a big thing for me i suddenly sort of went “wow…you’re right” ..see this is why it’s good to get this kind of help…even if you think you know yourself a lot like i kinda do..someone may say something to you and you go “..wow..i’ve never thought of it that way” and it’s sat in my brain and taken a back seat for a while. It may not be in full flow whilst on work placement but…getting through 7 hours a day of work placement is quite an achievement in itself right now!!

I’ll be sure to let you know what i think! If i’m not reduced to a pile of goo by Mr Cumberbatch ;)

Farewell x

Day 666

May 6, 2013

Oh gosh i hope nobody is superstitious!! What a day number hahah! ANYWAY

Saw a friend yesterday who i’ve not seen for a long time which was really nice i love catching up :D I mean we text and tweet and stuff but actually seeing each other is fairly rare! We had lots of conversations! And boy i think she lives in a soap opera! I thought…do i really say the busiest part of my week was the fact it was hard to keep up with all the lovely new pics appearing on the internet from the Star Trek Into Darkness premiere on Thursday? HAHA!

But we did step in to some discussions about this! And as I’m fond of telling you “it’s okay to talk” And yes we had some conversations!

I was trying to dispel the myth of agoraphobia just being about wanting to sit in a tiny cupboard haha! And (for me at least, i wont speak for anyone else) about what will happen once you’re there. I know at home i can deal with feeling anxious better, it doesn’t just completely stop me feeling anxious because i’ve felt so at home a few times! I just know i can do a lot more here to deal with it.

If you go somewhere and you panic you then associate it with that and don’t want to go there again, this turns into “well i don’t want to go there again” “well..that place is similar to the other place i don’t want to go there either” “that place is similar to that place in a different way  i don’t want to go there again” and it just spirals to the point where it’s harder to do other things!

I kept saying no-one ever thinks about when you go out and try and do things and it goes badly! It’s much easier to be discouraged from doing things by one tiny thing going wrong than it is to be encouraged to do more things by something going right!

But i think i need to get back into the mind set i managed about 3 or 4 weeks of before me exams..which was the whole “accept you wont feel great..do it anyway because you want to” and that made it so every time i had to do something wasn’t “such an effort” and when that  took a back seat when i did my exams, i actually felt myself go back into the mind set of “everything is a chore” and it was strange when i noticed that!

I mean in those 3 to 4 weeks i didn’t do anything major or anything, but you can’t jump in with these things and it’s probably the longest anything has stuck in my brain to do with getting over this beast because as i keep admitting i am RUBBISH at getting over it! xD

We’ll see! I start work experience tomorrow for 5 weeks, should be interesting!

Farewell x